How to cope with election defeat

It’s the morning of September 8, 2015 and the political party you support has been defeated at the polls. Sure if you supported one of the lesser known parties, like the Movement for Social Justice, New National Vision, or whatever the name of that pro-marijuana hippy party is called, you probably saw it coming. However if you supported either one of the main political parties, you know the ones normal people vote for, you are probably a depressed, inconsolable mess on the verge of going on a wild, bitter rant on Facebook.

The Customer is always Scre**d!

As the end of August approaches, many Trinbagonains have to face making an important decision that could profoundly affect their lives-whether or not to cut their Cable TV subscription. The reason for this is that the local Telecommunications Authority has ordered local cable companies to cut up to 16 channels from their line up.

It turns out local cable companies have been charging customers for channels that they didn’t have the right to broadcast. Of course, selling something that doesn’t belong to you sounds like theft and fraud to anyone who possesses a soul, which explains why local cable company owners don’t appear to see it that way, and have refused to offer customers a discount.

At 89, Castro’s lies are still alive

Last week brutal autocrat, human rights abuser and beloved revolutionary hero to morons everywhere, Fidel Castro, celebrated his eighty ninth birthday. Fidel of course celebrated in the way he loves best, by jailing some ninety pro-democracy protestors; mostly from the dissident group ‘The Ladies in White’, earlier in the week. That’s one dissident for each birth year with a bonus one thrown in, presumably for a lucky extra beating.  

Joining the Castro birthday party was Venezuelan President Nicolas Maduro, who took time away from the ongoing economic catastrophe unfolding in his home country, to pay tribute to the man whose socialist ideology inspired it. Presumably it was also an excellent opportunity for Maduro to get his hands on some toilet paper. 

The old time days were horrible

For the past two weeks I have been blissfully unaware of election news. That’s because during this time I have been virtually bedridden recovering from a small bout of pneumonia. I say blissfully, because I’d choose nausea, fever and constant coughing over having to stomach anymore election news any day. This election free news nirvana doesn’t look like it will last though. 

Thanks to modern antibiotics, I am well on my way to recovery. If I were born one hundred years earlier, in the good ole days, I might not have been so lucky. In the early Twentieth Century, pneumonia was the leading cause of death in countries around the world, and even minor infections like mine could have meant a death sentence.

T&T needs to be more godless

Forget good customer service, prison officers who know how to lock a prison cell, or more people telling spoken word poets that spoken word poetry sucks. What Trinidad and Tobago really needs are more atheists. What is an atheist, you ask? Well, atheists are people who believe in a natural universe governed by scientific laws, free from supernatural forces. Simply put, atheists are people who don't believe there is an all-powerful, invisible man who can help pick their Lotto numbers.

Now I know what you are going to say. “Some people say atheism is simply a belief, just like religious belief.” No, it isn't. That's something stupid people say because to them it sounds clever. Atheism is simply the lack of believing in the supernatural because there is no scientific evidence to support it. That's all. It doesn't involve eating babies or worshipping Satan. Well, not unless you're into that.

Everybody panic!

Trinbagonians love to panic. It's our second favourite mindset after “not giving a crap”. Last week provided a gold mine of things to panic about. Firstly, people were panicking over whether or not the underwater volcano Kick 'em Jenny was going to erupt, triggering a tsunami.

As everyone knows, God stops hurricanes from hitting T&T. But his stance on major earthquakes and tsunamis is unclear. Kick 'em Jenny has erupted 11 times before with no fanfare. But that was before Facebook, so people didn't know that they needed to panic.

Are we ready for a robot PM?

It's time that we as a nation embrace the idea of electing a robot as prime minister. I know what you are thinking. The notion of being ruled by stiff, unfeeling, soulless beings seems unimaginable. But really, couldn't we use those very words to describe most of our current politicians? Why not replace them with actual robots who would have the added skill of being capable of getting stuff done?

The idea isn't as far-fetched as it sounds. According to a report in The Economist, almost 47 per cent of all jobs will be automated by 2034. It's a trend that looks set to continue for the rest of the century. Humans in low-skill jobs in the service sector, transportation and production are at immediate risk of being replaced by machines.