Dude where’s my 72 Virgins?

As an atheist I do not believe in the existence of God. For me the lack of a supreme being watching over us can easily be proven by observing the nature of the Universe, life on Earth and the fact they keep making Transformers movies. Therefore I also know that there is no sexual paradise, with 72 virgins for jihadist Omar Mateen, to go to. However no one can be 100% sure of anything. In the 0.01 % chance that the Jihadist idea of paradise exists I really pray that the following scenario is what Omar finds himself in, when he arrives at the reception desk.

Venezuelans Go Home!

Trinidad and Tobago is a land of opportunity. A land where a fat person can open a successful weight loss clinic. A land where you can make millions renting a building to the state that’s never occupied. A land where a foreign cruise ship can get half a million dollars in tax payers’ money without even docking here. Yes, sweet T&T is a place that makes dreams come true for those who believe in the ideas of hard work, perseverance and that a sucker is born every minute.

Shooting the Gorilla in the Room

Like most Trinbagonians, I appreciate the beauty and majesty of wild animals. Especially if they are curried. That’s why I, like  many this week, was disheartened at the way Cincinnati Zoo officials shot to death Harambe the gorilla when a young boy fell into his enclosure. No doubt zoo officials had a tough ethical decision to make. Either kill Harambe to save the child or watch as Harambe administered some good old fashioned corporal punishment. 

Most Trinis would argue that, had the boy been left to get pulverized by the 450 pound gorilla he would have learned the lesson of not wandering off at the zoo again. Americans though, love to spoil their children.

The Silence of the Cheerleaders

The most depressing thing about the impending collapse of Venezuela is how so very predictable it was. So predictable in fact, even fortune teller Yesina Gonsalves predicted it way back in 2008. In contrast to socialists at UWI who were at the time championing Hugo Chavez's Bolivarian revolution as an economic model the world should adopt. Thus finally answering that age old question: Does a Venezuelan fortune teller know more about economics than socialists? 

A better tourist trap

When I’m choosing a holiday destination, I like to look for somewhere that has great beaches, a vibrant night life and a low probability of me being brutally murdered. That’s why Minister of Tourism Shamfa Cudjoe was upset this week at people who were sharing grisly pictures of murdered victims on social media, making it appear we have a towering violent crime epidemic. 

After all, we don’t want potential tourists getting the wrong idea; that T&T is a place with reliable internet connections. Or for that matter, drawing their attention to our towering violent crime epidemic.

Dear future child bride

Dear future child bride,

Being a child I don’t expect you to fully understand this letter. Everyone knows learning to read and write is wasted on girl children. But this week, the Inter Religious Organization (IRO) reiterated their opposition to any changes to the Marriage Act that prevents 12 and 14 year old girls from being married. This means I can continue to dream of the day we meet and get married.

I’m not sure when exactly that will be. But I imagine it will involve a romantic courtship where I coerce you into having sex and get you pregnant. Or when your parents palm you off on me. Or maybe after I win you in a game of all fours in a rum shop. Only destiny knows.

The Fast and the Feckless

Like most motorists I was shocked to learn that I can now be fined $1000 for going over the speed limit. Since when do we have a speed limit? I do always see some signs along the highway that say ‘Speed Limit 80kph’. But, being Trinbagonian, I thought that was just a casual recommendation and not a law. Like ‘no driving on the shoulder’ or ‘no parking in the handicap zone’ or ‘no riding the leather-back turtle’. For the first time, traffic police will be enforcing the speed limit using sophisticated speed guns. Yes, we have traffic police now.