How not to be killed by Satirists

Last week Wednesday as newspaper readers like me went about our business, checking our lotto numbers, reading our horoscopes, and perusing the classifieds for a personal masseuse; tragedy struck. There, lurking in the middle of the Trinidad Guardian newspaper was a satirical column written by Kevin Baldeosingh, entitled “How not to be killed by Islamists”. 

It’s not smart to be bright

This week I had to console my nephew Garret who did not pass for a prestige school after writing the SEA exam. “Uncle Darryn, does God hate me?”, he asked, on the verge of tears. “Oh Garret, God doesn’t hate you, you’re just duncey, that’s all,” I said. I then tried to get him excited about all the new and wonderful experiences that awaited him at his new mediocre Government secondary school. Like dealing with his first bullies, his first rejection by a girl and making his first viral video of a classroom fight. But nothing I said seemed to cheer him up.

My relationship from hell

Since I started writing for the Trinidad Express I get lots of emails from fans asking me questions.  Questions like, “Darryn, what’s your bank pin number” or “Darryn, would you like to purchase Viagra”, or “Darryn, where do you live, I want to come and punch you in the face”. 

But last week I got one question I think I can actually answer. It’s from spambot23, who asks “Darryn how do you spot the red flags in a relationship?” Well spambot23, great question. Allow me to illustrate these red flags using my own personal relationship from hell.  Here they are:

Feeding Hysteria

I’m very careful about where I eat. I only buy food from people displaying a food badge, practicing good hygiene, and in the case of Sookdeo, the man I buy Oysters from; willing to give me half price off if I get Cholera. That’s why I am shocked by the news from the president of the Poultry Association of Trinidad and Tobago, Robin Phillips, saying imported chicken may be classified as pet food. Only last year, there was a public scare that Chinese restaurants were passing off dog meat as chicken. Now on top of unknowingly eating a dog; I have to worry if I’m eating my dog’s dinner.

Dude where’s my 72 Virgins?

As an atheist I do not believe in the existence of God. For me the lack of a supreme being watching over us can easily be proven by observing the nature of the Universe, life on Earth and the fact they keep making Transformers movies. Therefore I also know that there is no sexual paradise, with 72 virgins for jihadist Omar Mateen, to go to. However no one can be 100% sure of anything. In the 0.01 % chance that the Jihadist idea of paradise exists I really pray that the following scenario is what Omar finds himself in, when he arrives at the reception desk.

Venezuelans Go Home!

Trinidad and Tobago is a land of opportunity. A land where a fat person can open a successful weight loss clinic. A land where you can make millions renting a building to the state that’s never occupied. A land where a foreign cruise ship can get half a million dollars in tax payers’ money without even docking here. Yes, sweet T&T is a place that makes dreams come true for those who believe in the ideas of hard work, perseverance and that a sucker is born every minute.

Shooting the Gorilla in the Room

Like most Trinbagonians, I appreciate the beauty and majesty of wild animals. Especially if they are curried. That’s why I, like  many this week, was disheartened at the way Cincinnati Zoo officials shot to death Harambe the gorilla when a young boy fell into his enclosure. No doubt zoo officials had a tough ethical decision to make. Either kill Harambe to save the child or watch as Harambe administered some good old fashioned corporal punishment. 

Most Trinis would argue that, had the boy been left to get pulverized by the 450 pound gorilla he would have learned the lesson of not wandering off at the zoo again. Americans though, love to spoil their children.