Cabinet’s Disaster Meeting

As tropical storm Bret began to bear down across the country last Monday evening, the organization the nation turns to for guidance in a time of crisis took a bold decision; KFC was going to close early. Which is the second highest disaster warning there is. The first being cancelling the Lotto draw. Members of Cabinet also held a special meeting. Via our source known only as ‘Sore Throat’, the Trinidad Express has received a full transcript. It is as follows:

A Church Robbery

Like most Trinbagonians I was shocked and appalled this week when I heard that Father Clyde Harvey was tied up and robbed at his church in Belmont.  Of course stories about priests being ‘rubbed in church’ are not new. But those rubbings usually just involve stolen childhoods and priests getting away unharmed. This was different. It made the whole nation pause and wonder aloud: "If God could allow a man who doesn’t drink, have premarital sex or spend all his money playing the fruit machines in rum shops, to get robbed; what horrors is he going to let happen to me?"

The PM’s shameful attack on Luis Almagro

Trinbagonian politicians have a proud record of disgracing themselves. Whether it’s through acts of corruption, incompetence or possessing  Faris Al-Rawi’s fashion sense. But the bar surely dropped to a new low last week when, on his return from Chile, Prime Minister Dr. Keith Rowley called for the Secretary General of the Organisation of American States (OAS), Luis Almagro to resign.

Mr. Almargo had evidently upset Dr. Rowley’s favorite dance partner, Venezuelan President Nicolaus Maduro. His great insult was expressing concern over the violent civil unrest, and crackdown on political dissent taking place in Venezuela. An act Dr. Rowley blasted as “derogatory”.  Because in Maduro’s Venezuela the word ‘democracy’ now means “your mudder  @#$.”

I am offended therefore I am

Are you looking for fun, excitement of just some self validation? Then why not try “getting offended”. Getting offended is the brand new craze sweeping the world. All you need to do is find something and let it offend you. Luckily there are lots of things you can get offended about- a tv advertisement, a movie, whether or not  a character in a superman comic book  is using appropriate transgender pronouns. There is a  University  degree you can take  to enable you to become a professional ‘getting offended person’; it’s called Gender Studies.  But anyone can be  offended . Here are some of the letters I wrote this week expressing my offense and demanding people pay attention to me for some inane  reason:

Dr. Rowley grills Darryl Smith

Minster of Sport Darryl Smith has been accused of going on a spending splurge on a recent trip with Ministry officials to Tobago. With a whopping bill of $92,000 for a weekend, Dr. Rowley has ordered a full report into the matter. The Trinidad Express has received exclusive access to the transcript of the conversation between the Prime Minister and Minister Smith. It’s most likely entirely made up; but here it is anyway:

The Myth of the Free Lunch

In Form 1, my math teacher Mr. Iro would take our class out to have pizza and discuss philosophy. It was during these pizza limes that I learnt about the economist Milton Friedman, and his famous “free lunch myth”. According to Friedman the free lunch myth is the belief that “governments can spend money at nobody’s expense”. In reality Friedman argued, goods and services must be paid for, and the idea that governments can provide these at no cost to the persons receiving them, is a myth. Mr. Iro was a good teacher. Unfortunately he was also a pedophile and was arrested a year later. In hindsight I should have realized why he kept telling me, “Darryn free pizza is a myth”.

Cheers to Unhappiness

There are lots of things that depress me. Like world poverty, child soldiers and Ravi B winning Chutney Soca Monarch; but nothing makes me more miserable than the cult of happiness. What is the cult of happiness? Well it’s the motley crew of pop psychologists, self-help gurus and advertisers who have turned the idea of happiness into a lame fad. Or any given day I am constantly bombarded via media or friends with cheerful recommendations on how I can be a happier person. Like “start running Darryn-it will make you healthy and happier. Or “practice mindfulness Darryn-it will make you feel more relaxed and happier. Or “please buy this really expensive car Darryn- It will make you happy. Because then the hot woman in the poster might go out with you”.