Etiquette for community leaders

As a columnist I get emails from readers asking for my advice. Like how to not get abducted by aliens. Or where can you buy urine to pass a drug test? Or how to evade Courts when they come to repossess your bed?  But this week I got an email I actually care to reply to. It reads: “Dear Darryn, I am a poor community leader who runs a humble multimillion dollar construction company. I have been invited to a swearing in ceremony for a Government Minister at President’s House. I’m not used to high society. I mostly socialize with people who will stab you in your chest as opposed to your back .Can you please give me some tips on how to act? Many thanks, C. Biggs.”

Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner

If you’re like me, you were disgusted by what you saw in Anthony Bourdain’s show ‘Parts Unknown’, featuring Trinidad and Tobago. Some twisted person took Anthony Bourdain for UWEE Doubles. Why didn’t they take him for roti by Hott Shoppe while they were at it? Or go looking for aloo pies at Adam’s Bagels? It seems most people are busy being outraged by comments made by Mario Sabga-Aboud. Mr. Aboud had the temerity to tell Mr. Bourdain over dinner that Syrians, despite being a racial minority, were the “most powerful” group of people in the country. A statement that would surprise any Trinbagonian, who is currently living on Mars.  

Cabinet’s Disaster Meeting

As tropical storm Bret began to bear down across the country last Monday evening, the organization the nation turns to for guidance in a time of crisis took a bold decision; KFC was going to close early. Which is the second highest disaster warning there is. The first being cancelling the Lotto draw. Members of Cabinet also held a special meeting. Via our source known only as ‘Sore Throat’, the Trinidad Express has received a full transcript. It is as follows:

A Church Robbery

Like most Trinbagonians I was shocked and appalled this week when I heard that Father Clyde Harvey was tied up and robbed at his church in Belmont.  Of course stories about priests being ‘rubbed in church’ are not new. But those rubbings usually just involve stolen childhoods and priests getting away unharmed. This was different. It made the whole nation pause and wonder aloud: "If God could allow a man who doesn’t drink, have premarital sex or spend all his money playing the fruit machines in rum shops, to get robbed; what horrors is he going to let happen to me?"

The PM’s shameful attack on Luis Almagro

Trinbagonian politicians have a proud record of disgracing themselves. Whether it’s through acts of corruption, incompetence or possessing  Faris Al-Rawi’s fashion sense. But the bar surely dropped to a new low last week when, on his return from Chile, Prime Minister Dr. Keith Rowley called for the Secretary General of the Organisation of American States (OAS), Luis Almagro to resign.

Mr. Almargo had evidently upset Dr. Rowley’s favorite dance partner, Venezuelan President Nicolaus Maduro. His great insult was expressing concern over the violent civil unrest, and crackdown on political dissent taking place in Venezuela. An act Dr. Rowley blasted as “derogatory”.  Because in Maduro’s Venezuela the word ‘democracy’ now means “your mudder  @#$.”

I am offended therefore I am

Are you looking for fun, excitement of just some self validation? Then why not try “getting offended”. Getting offended is the brand new craze sweeping the world. All you need to do is find something and let it offend you. Luckily there are lots of things you can get offended about- a tv advertisement, a movie, whether or not  a character in a superman comic book  is using appropriate transgender pronouns. There is a  University  degree you can take  to enable you to become a professional ‘getting offended person’; it’s called Gender Studies.  But anyone can be  offended . Here are some of the letters I wrote this week expressing my offense and demanding people pay attention to me for some inane  reason:

Dr. Rowley grills Darryl Smith

Minster of Sport Darryl Smith has been accused of going on a spending splurge on a recent trip with Ministry officials to Tobago. With a whopping bill of $92,000 for a weekend, Dr. Rowley has ordered a full report into the matter. The Trinidad Express has received exclusive access to the transcript of the conversation between the Prime Minister and Minister Smith. It’s most likely entirely made up; but here it is anyway: