I am offended therefore I am

Are you looking for fun, excitement of just some self validation? Then why not try “getting offended”. Getting offended is the brand new craze sweeping the world. All you need to do is find something and let it offend you. Luckily there are lots of things you can get offended about- a tv advertisement, a movie, whether or not  a character in a superman comic book  is using appropriate transgender pronouns. There is a  University  degree you can take  to enable you to become a professional ‘getting offended person’; it’s called Gender Studies.  But anyone can be  offended . Here are some of the letters I wrote this week expressing my offense and demanding people pay attention to me for some inane  reason:

Dr. Rowley grills Darryl Smith

Minster of Sport Darryl Smith has been accused of going on a spending splurge on a recent trip with Ministry officials to Tobago. With a whopping bill of $92,000 for a weekend, Dr. Rowley has ordered a full report into the matter. The Trinidad Express has received exclusive access to the transcript of the conversation between the Prime Minister and Minister Smith. It’s most likely entirely made up; but here it is anyway:

The Myth of the Free Lunch

In Form 1, my math teacher Mr. Iro would take our class out to have pizza and discuss philosophy. It was during these pizza limes that I learnt about the economist Milton Friedman, and his famous “free lunch myth”. According to Friedman the free lunch myth is the belief that “governments can spend money at nobody’s expense”. In reality Friedman argued, goods and services must be paid for, and the idea that governments can provide these at no cost to the persons receiving them, is a myth. Mr. Iro was a good teacher. Unfortunately he was also a pedophile and was arrested a year later. In hindsight I should have realized why he kept telling me, “Darryn free pizza is a myth”.

Cheers to Unhappiness

There are lots of things that depress me. Like world poverty, child soldiers and Ravi B winning Chutney Soca Monarch; but nothing makes me more miserable than the cult of happiness. What is the cult of happiness? Well it’s the motley crew of pop psychologists, self-help gurus and advertisers who have turned the idea of happiness into a lame fad. Or any given day I am constantly bombarded via media or friends with cheerful recommendations on how I can be a happier person. Like “start running Darryn-it will make you healthy and happier. Or “practice mindfulness Darryn-it will make you feel more relaxed and happier. Or “please buy this really expensive car Darryn- It will make you happy. Because then the hot woman in the poster might go out with you”.

Trini emails to Santa Claus

As all Trinbagonians know, Christmas is a magical time of the year. A time for giving to the less fortunate, showing goodwill to our fellow man, and listening to sexually suggestive Soca Parang songs.  It’s also the time of the year when boys and girls across the world write to Santa Claus, asking him for the presents they would love to find under their Christmas tree on Christmas morning. Of course no one writes letters anymore, they send emails. Thanks to the power of the internet and some Russian hackers we can read some of the sweet and delightful messages that jolly Saint Nick has gotten from good boys and girls in T&T. Here they are:

T&T’s next top hangman

Do you like working with your hands? Meeting new people? And enjoy the bloodcurdling sound of someone’s neck snapping in half? Then why not consider an exciting career as T&T’s hangman! T&T has not needed a hangman since 1999. But career prospects are looking brighter.  That’s because the current outrage over the tragic murder of Shannon Banfield, as well as our spiraling out of control murder rate, has many people calling for the services of hangmen to be resumed. Thus making the business of killing people, who have killed other people, a killer opportunity.

The ugly truth about post truth

 Every year I send the Oxford Dictionary my suggestion for their annual “word of the year”.  This year I submitted a word I invented; “Imbert”. This “means “making it up as you go along until a riot starts”. As in “We haven't really thought out this fuel price increase, let’s just Imbert it”. But as usual those snobs in Oxford have ignored me. Instead they have chosen “Post Truth” as their word for 2016.