Thank God I’m a Man

There are lots of reasons I’m grateful I’m a Trinbagonian man. For starters, I can pee anywhere, anytime I want. I can appreciate the art form that is WCW wrestling. And I possess the ability to hear that Beyoncé’s music is rubbish. But most especially, I’m grateful I’m a Trinbagonian man because I will never  require getting an abortion.

 That’s because Health Minister Terrence Deyalsingh has made it abundantly clear that despite the outbreak of Zika virus; the government will not legalize abortion. Speaking to Morning Brew host Hema Ramkissoon on Wednesday, the Minister said he came to his decision after researching the views of the “Christian faith, the Hindu faith and the Muslim faith.”  He didn’t say if he researched the views from other medical luminaries like Trevor Sayers, Yesenia the psychic, or the neighborhood obeah woman. But I wouldn’t be surprised if he did.

The threat pregnant women face if they contract the Zika virus is clear.  The World Health Organization says that there is scientific consensus that the Zika virus is the cause of the neurological disorders, microcephaly and Guillain-Barre syndrome.

If I were a pregnant Trinbagonian woman, I might want the option of terminating my pregnancy if I suspected my infant might be born with a debilitating neurological disease. Thankfully, I’m a Trinbagonian Man. So I can confidently say that pregnant women should just suck it up and deal with it.

As a fellow Trinbagonian man, Minister Deyalsingh is right to research the views of religious groups with regards to abortion. After all, the world’s prominent religions, usually run by men, have a proud record of knowing what’s best for women.

For example, the Catholic Church knows that besides abortions, women should also say no to birth control and contraception. And that masturbation is mass murder. Hindus know every life is precious. Except infant girls, because they are a bloody burden. As Indian Minister for Women and Child Development, Maneka Ghandi points out, 2000 infant girls are killed in India every day, due to the dowry system. And Islam knows that women know better than to open their damn mouths.

Minister Deyalsingh also pointed out that the majority of Trini’s oppose abortion, citing the results of a call in TV poll as evidence. Admittedly, this shocked me. I wasn’t aware that laws were made by calling into TV 6. In which case I should really call in and state my deeply held conviction that Desha Rambhajan should be reading the news dressed as Black Widow from the Avengers.

I was also unaware that the morality or legality of an issue hinged on whether it has popular support or not. This might be good news for those Trini’s who want to see slavery, stoning adulterers, or burning witches, all make a comeback.

Minister Deyalsingh also stressed that women who have abortions are more likely to commit suicide.  A statement that is not supported by any scientific facts. Which is another great thing about being a Trinbagonian man; you don’t need to have actual facts to make an argument. If you think women kill themselves after having an abortion, secretly enjoy being harassed on the street,  or are too stuck up to return your phone calls regarding  your wardrobe suggestion; like Desha Rambhajan from TV 6,  you can trust your Y chromosome  to tell you that it’s probably true.

Of course Minister Deyalsingh wasn’t the only man to remind women that they are wrong to consider abortion. Roman Catholic Archbishop Joseph Harris labeled abortion as part of our “throw away” society. “A human life is not something simply to throw away,” said the Archbishop. Except, of course, if you’re a homosexual who wants to get married. Then yes, you should throw away any hopes of that life.

Some hysterical women say that a foetus in its early stages is hardly a “human life”. In fact, studies show that a foetus feels no pain until 24 weeks. Also, they say that the issue of abortion is about a woman’s right to control her reproductive health. Keeping abortion illegal only endangers women, as in desperation, many, particularly poor women, turn to dangerously unsafe ‘backyard’ abortions. And of course, by what right does a sexless virgin priest get to lecture women about sex or raising a family?

As you can tell, these hysterical women don’t care about the hurt their incessant desire to control their uterus causes us men. I hope women understand that men know abortion is wrong and a grave, immoral crime that should never ever be considered. Unless of course, we get you pregnant and think you should have one. In those cases, we will give you a pass. That’s another great benefit of being a man.