Friday, January 26, 2018

Dr. Rowley responds to Ralph Maraj


Dear citizens of Trinidad and Tobago, regular columnist Darryn Boodan is off today, as he has an important business meeting with a money lender from Enterprise Village, who gives Carnival Loans. As a result the Trinidad Express has allowed me; your Prime Minister, to use this space to respond to a column by Ralph Maraj, entitled ‘Resign Rowley’. Now admittedly I don’t read the Express. It’s filled with too much depressing stories about crime and the failing economy. I get all my news from Minister Stuart Young, who told me that the public loves me so much my last address to the nation is going to win road march this year. That’s why I was shocked when I heard Ralph Maraj had accused me of being disconnected from reality and demanded I resign.

 In his ridiculous 900 word rant Mr. Maraj implied that I am a poor leader, am unconcerned about the exploding crime epidemic and generally possess no plan to fix the country. Firstly Mr. Maraj I am an exceptional leader. I listen to criticism. I am calm. And I make rational decisions. So you better shut your damn mouth about me before I put on my shitkickers and kick you all the way from St Ann’s to Mason Hall! Being Prime Minister is not like writing an episode of ‘Calabash Alley’. Every minute of the day you are weighed down by heavy questions. Like, will gangs stop the violence? Can we pay public servants their salaries this month?  Can I trust this woman to keep this on the down low? Then again maybe it is a little bit like Calabash Alley.
I know that you, the citizens of this country are concerned about the escalating murder rate. But you must understand what I’m dealing with. A police force that is rife with bureaucracy and corruption. A porous border that allows drugs and guns to pass freely through. And a National Security Minister who doesn’t understand the meaning of the expression; “don’t bother me when I’m on the golf course.” Now I know some of you want me to do crazy things like decriminalize marijuana, or stop funding gangs via CEPEP and URP projects. What do you all think; that as Prime Minister I have magic powers that lets me shape government policy and national laws? Oh. Wait. Minister Young is now telling me that I might actually have those powers. I’ll get back to you on that.
Anyway I know that aside from crime many of you are concerned by the state of the economy. I want you to know that I share your pain. The government is serious about addressing what needs to be done to fix our economy. That’s why we appointed respected Economist Terrance Farrell to chair the Economic Development Board. And even though he resigned in frustration last week, I must say the quality of the advice he presented which I subsequently ignored was exceptional.
You must understand citizens fixing the economy is not an easy task. Minister of Finance Colm Imbert is doing all he can. But he has to contend with low energy prices, militant trade unions and office desks in the Ministry that are really high. Also I’ll admit he’s not the easiest person to work with. He tends to lose his temper with people. Especially if its economists who are smarter than him. I too have had my personal struggles with Mr. Imbert. After our last meeting where he praised my address to the nation as reminding him of President Obama, I later found a note taped on me that read “o-bam-cy”. That had to be him who put it there, because it was stuck to my back thigh. Still I have total faith in Mr. Imbert. They say fixing the economy is a thankless task. So who better than a thankless person.
 So Mr. Maraj is free to think I’m a feckless tragic figure, paralyzed by a mixture of incompetence and inadequacy. But I think he’ll find that when the history books are written they will say that when Dr. Keith Christopher Rowley became Prime Minister, he wrote a book. And for that reason, Mr. Maraj, I shall not be resigning. In fact I intend to contest the next PNM leadership contest. Sorry I have to go now-Minister Young appears to be choking.










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