A better tourist trap

When I’m choosing a holiday destination, I like to look for somewhere that has great beaches, a vibrant night life and a low probability of me being brutally murdered. That’s why Minister of Tourism Shamfa Cudjoe was upset this week at people who were sharing grisly pictures of murdered victims on social media, making it appear we have a towering violent crime epidemic. 

After all, we don’t want potential tourists getting the wrong idea; that T&T is a place with reliable internet connections. Or for that matter, drawing their attention to our towering violent crime epidemic.

Dear future child bride

Dear future child bride,

Being a child I don’t expect you to fully understand this letter. Everyone knows learning to read and write is wasted on girl children. But this week, the Inter Religious Organization (IRO) reiterated their opposition to any changes to the Marriage Act that prevents 12 and 14 year old girls from being married. This means I can continue to dream of the day we meet and get married.

I’m not sure when exactly that will be. But I imagine it will involve a romantic courtship where I coerce you into having sex and get you pregnant. Or when your parents palm you off on me. Or maybe after I win you in a game of all fours in a rum shop. Only destiny knows.

The Fast and the Feckless

Like most motorists I was shocked to learn that I can now be fined $1000 for going over the speed limit. Since when do we have a speed limit? I do always see some signs along the highway that say ‘Speed Limit 80kph’. But, being Trinbagonian, I thought that was just a casual recommendation and not a law. Like ‘no driving on the shoulder’ or ‘no parking in the handicap zone’ or ‘no riding the leather-back turtle’. For the first time, traffic police will be enforcing the speed limit using sophisticated speed guns. Yes, we have traffic police now.

Thank God I’m a Man

There are lots of reasons I’m grateful I’m a Trinbagonian man. For starters, I can pee anywhere, anytime I want. I can appreciate the art form that is WCW wrestling. And I possess the ability to hear that Beyoncé’s music is rubbish. But most especially, I’m grateful I’m a Trinbagonian man because I will never  require getting an abortion.

A Gold Medal for Cronyism

Like most Trinbagonians, I want to extend congratulations to the Trinidad and Tobago Gymnastics Federation (TTGF) on its treatment of gymnast Thema Williams. The TTGF’s plan to pull Thema Williams from the Olympics, in favor of fellow gymnast Marisa Dick is a fine example of those proud Trinbagonian traditions of nepotism, cronyism, and bad mind. It also proves that if destroying the hard work of others to fulfill your own selfish ambitions were an Olympic sport, Trinbagonians would surely dominate.

How to get Poor, Quick

Comrades, are you fed up with living in a country where grocery shelves are stacked with food? Frustrated by your freedom to use the Internet? Tired of using toilet paper? Then why not embrace the wonderful economic theory of socialism. Socialism is the easiest and fastest way to reduce the economy of any country to a smoldering ruin-guaranteed.

Darryn’s Backyard Abortion Clinic

In these tough economic times, everyone needs extra cash. As I lack the skills to enter into the obvious money making ventures; selling doubles, planting cassava or starting a church, I have decided to do the next best thing and open a backyard abortion clinic.