Tips to solve my murder

The only thing more depressing than the recent brutal murders of Claire Broadbridge and Ramdevi Singh, is listening to the T&T Police Service promise to catch their killers. That’s because our Police Service knows as much about catching criminals as Shiva Chaitoo knows about playing the violin. That’s why I’ve decided to be forward thinking and devise a list of helpful tips and reminders for the Police Service to follow if ever I am brutally murdered. I got the inspiration from my girlfriend who likes to leave me notes by the kitchen sink reminding me to wash my coffee mug. Incidentally, if I am ever found beaten to death by a dirty coffee mug, please inform the police that my girlfriend constantly left me notes threatening to do just that.

So you want to be a Minister?

The Ministry of Public Utilities has once again been thrown into chaos, as the appointment of Robert Le Hunte has been revoked after just two days. Trinbagonian born Le Hunte, who holds a Ghanaian passport didn’t know that only citizens of Trinidad and Tobago, can serve in Parliament. In his defence, he said he was sick at home the day they taught that in Standard Five Social Studies class. The Prime Minister has said he will reappoint Mr. Le Hunte once he figures out which country he belongs too. Until then Dr. Rowley has started interviewing back up candidates, of which the Express has received exclusive transcripts off. Here they are:

How to curry an Ibis

 The Ministry of Community Development, Culture and the Arts have declared August ‘National Patriotism Month’. And what better way to celebrate than to head to the river for a cookout lime with friends and family. Engaging in those two great Trinbagonian pastimes; heart disease and the senseless destruction of nature. But why not make your river lime extra special this year. Instead of the usual menu of curry duck seasoned in White Oak, try some curry Scarlet Ibis. There is no better way to demonstrate your love for your country than by eating its protected national bird.  Plus, the Scarlet Ibis is 100% organic and gluten free. 

The T&T Titanic

From the producers of such hits as ‘When Burkie met Marlene’, ‘Stop or Farris’kids will shoot’ and ‘Shamfa Cudjoe: Million-dollar phone bill baby” comes this summer’s biggest blockbuster ‘The T&T Titanic’. Witness the story of young Rohan Sinanan, a bohemian drifter and Minister of Transport who sails to Tobago on the T&T Titanic; all the way from Trinidad. Along the way Rohan meets privileged young socialite and Port Authority Chairwoman Alison Lewis. Watch as two people, both travelling in first class, fall hopelessly in love with mysterious Canadian firm Bridgeman Services:

Ancel Roget and the Mimic Men

July and August are the months in which the big Carnival bands in T&T show off their costumes for the coming Carnival season. Trinbagonians wait with bated breath to see which band has come up with the most creative and innovative way to pretend their designs aren’t just bikinis and feathers. It’s a time when the nation whets its appetite for the delights of Carnival that lie ahead; namely indulging in wild fantasies, staggering down the road tipsy, and urinating in public. Which also means it’s the perfect time for the nation’s trade unions to hold a rally; which they did last Friday in Port of Spain. 

Stuart Young defends Maduro

Greetings Trinidad and Tobago. Regular columnist Darryn Boodan is off today. He’s in court over an alleged zaboca theft. I am Minister Stuart Young. You may know me as a Minister in the Ministry of Legal Affairs.  Or as a Minister in the Office of the Prime Minister. Or simply as that guy who follows Dr. Rowley around everywhere and sycophantically repeats everything he says. I would like to talk about a very serious issue; the crisis in Venezuela. As you know, we in T&T have a saying, “When your neighbor’s house on fire, wet your own”.  And we in the PNM have another saying, “When your neighbor is a brutal despot; perform some mental gymnastics to rationalize doing business with him.”

How I Spent My Coup Vacation

In primary school, at the beginning of each September term, I had to write an essay on how I spent my vacation. My teacher, Mr. Lalchan, felt it was a useful exercise that allowed students to share what they had done over the long July and August holiday. As well as give him some time to catch some sleep at his desk. On this, the 27^th anniversary of the attempted coup of 1990, I thought I would share with readers the essay I wrote about my school vacation that year.  I think it might be a useful exercise in exploring the turbulent events of July 27, 1990, through a child’s eyes. Plus it would spare me having to write an article this week, and thus I can catch some sleep at my desk. Here it is: