Carnival 2018: Behave nah chirren

They say that empty vessels make the most noise. And there is no vessel emptier than Trinidad and Tobago’s Carnival. This is why fete promoters Red Ants are warning the Environmental Management Authority (EMA) that attempts to curb   noise levels of fetes during the Carnival season could spell the end of Carnival itself. After the EMA took issue with the decibel levels of Red Ants’s fete this week the promoters issued a statement saying “The strict application of decibel levels can effectively kill Trinidad and Tobago Carnival and the culture.” After all the greatest show on earth doesn’t have much to offer spectators these days, its only saving grace is that it can at least still rupture your eardrums.

An interview with Minister Edmund Dillon

Trinidad and Tobago has kicked off 2018 with a bang. 23 bangs to be exact. That’s how many people have been murdered so far in just the second week in January 2018. I arranged to speak with National Security Minister Edmund Dillon at his Port of Spain office to learn more about the Government’s plans to curb the escalating murder rate. Unfortunately, I couldn’t make it on account of realizing I am too scared to leave my house. So here is a completely made up interview instead.

Why I should be President

The New Year has greeted me with the depressing realization that I did not accomplish any of the goals I set for myself last year.  I didn’t loose weight. I didn’t learn to speak Spanish. And most annoyingly I didn’t find out Priyanka Chopra’s home address. But I realized I may have set my goals too high to begin with. So this year I have decided to lower my ambitions and aspire to be the next President of Trinidad and Tobago.

Jail Massive Gosein

As a longtime aficionado of the majestic art-form that is Chutney music, I am deeply offended by Massive Gosein’s latest release ‘Rowlee Mudda Count’ and call on the police to arrest him. This crass and offensive song contains none of the sophisticated concepts that chutney music is famous for. Such as, drinking rum, getting horn, and making at least one reference about somebody’s nanny. Instead ‘Rowlee Mudda Count’ is a shameless attempt to humiliate Prime Minister Dr. Keith Rowley. A fact which is bizarre, as its perfectly clear Dr. Rowley appears fully capable of doing that all by himself.

Give a S*&T Kicker this Christmas

This Christmas give a gift that will last a lifetime. Or at least until the next general election. A S*&t Kicker! S*&t Kickers are the great new multipurpose boots that’s specially designed for every occasion. Whether you’re vacationing-yet again.  Or dancing with brutal Venezuelan dictators. Or just casually threatening your political opponents with violence on TV. S*&t Kicker boots will let you do it all with style, comfort, and a complete lack of shame.  Listen to what these satisfied customers are saying about their S*&t Kickers:

Darryn’s Christmas Classics

Boodan records proudlypresents, Darryn’s Christmas Classics -a collection of your favorite Christmas songs. Each guaranteed to filleveryone’s Christmas with magic and cheer.Except for the scrooges in the Express legal department. Who sent me a letter saying they are ‘fed up’ with me. Anyway this Christmas sit back with your pastelles and a glass of sorrel and listen to timeless hits such as;

The Prison Guard’s Occurrence book

This week Trinbagonians were shocked by the news of a woman making a daring escape for freedom; yes PNM Senator Allyson Baksh resigned. Less shocking was the news that fraudster Vicky Boodram had escaped the women’s prison in Golden Grove. After all, no one expects the nation’s top security personnel to be a match against the wits of a bogus travel agent.