Stuart Young’s Make-up Tips

Dear Trinidad and Tobago, regular columnist Darryn Boodan has the week off on account of being too scared to drive into Port-of-Spain. I am Minister Stuart Young. All my friends just call me Stewie, after the evil genius toddler from the TV show family guy. But have no fear, unlike that Stewie, I’m not a genius.

Being a Minister in the Ministry of the Attorney General and Legal Affairs and a Minister in the Office of the Prime Minister comes with a lot of responsibilities. Such as crafting legal legislation, communicating government policy, and most importantly spying on the Attorney General for the Prime Minister. But you may not know that I am also a fully licensed make-up artist. As you know, Trinbagonian politics is all about skin tone, which is why knowing how to apply make-up is essential. I’d like to share my top five tips for tricking people into thinking that your government is prettier than it is:

1. Apply Consultation Powder

The most difficult look for any government to pull off is looking like you actually care what ordinary people think.  But with a simple dab of Consultation Powder, you’ll look like a million bucks, while spending only a quarter of a million bucks. That is how much the government’s pre budget “consultation” at the Hyatt Regency Hotel cost. This included $2500 for a makeup artist. Ordinarily, holding a meeting to tell citizens to tighten their belts over a posh lunch at the Hyatt, paid for by taxpayers, might look “crazy”. But, since it was a “consultation” no one can accuse you of looking bad. Or being disconnected from reality.

Consultation Powder also comes in a Conversation Lip Gloss. This is for those occasions when you want to travel across the country looking like you’re listening to people; but actually just planning your next golf trip in your head.  

2. Comment Eraser  

The biggest problem governments have is dealing with unsightly comments. Some lucky governments of countries like Venezuela, Cuba and China have really effective ways to erase their pesky commentators. It involves using lime juice and a handgun.  Unfortunately, here in T&T we must rely on an old school remedy; holding angry press conferences where we insult those people are who dare criticize the government.

Is respected, retired diplomat Reginald Dumas accusing you of not telling the truth with regards to Dr. Rowley’s invitation to China? Just tell him he’s so old, rainbows were in black and white when he was a diplomat, so nobody cares what he thinks.

Is respected financial analyst Mariano Browne accusing you of mishandling the forex shortage?  Just tell him he’s a nerd. And nobody cares what neither he nor his insignificant nerd mathematics thinks.

Are people on social media being mean to you? Just tell them they have an overblown sense of self-importance. And they can learn some humility from government ministers like me, Stuart Young. Who once humbly draped an entire building with a picture of myself.

3. Use Red Tape Oil Concealer

An oily complexion is never good. Especially if it looks like your party financier sold millions of barrels of oil that doesn’t exist to Petrotrin. Oil is generated by your inner sebaceous glands, which can produce more oil than the Catskill oil field and which can be triggered by stress. So you need to play it cool. Get a good moisturizer. As well as hire a Canadian auditing firm to do a second audit of the first audit. This will buy you some time while you figure out what you can blame this on. Luckily, state agencies have tons of red tape. Red tape makes for an excellent concealer. Perhaps someone at Petrotrin forgot to add a zero or fill out a form or just forgot what oil looked like? Hence it was all just a bureaucratic error that will never happen again. So nobody needs to go to jail and we can stop talking about it.

4. Opposition Eyeliner

The real beauty secret in every government’s handbag is Opposition Eyeliner. It will remind everyone of all of the scandals that plagued the previous government. And in doing so, they will hopefully not pay attention to your own scandals.  By simply initiating lawsuits and threatening to lock opposition MP’s up while on political platforms, you will look like a real corruption fighter. Except without all the “corruption” and “fighting”.

So follow my tips and be red and ready!