Monday, February 7, 2011

The Chosen Many: Believe it or not you are in a cult

Living in a commune, worshiping the chosen one, kinky group sex, drugs, suicide… Sure cults sound like fun. But in truth they are destructive groups that can cause a lot of psychological harm to its members. Don’t think a sensible, rationale person like you could get mixed up in a cult?
Well… if you were in a cult, would you know? I recently found out that I am not just in one, but several cults. The signs were too obvious, kind of like the rules all cults obey. Read on for a refresher. Please note that if you need to read this to know if you are in a cult, you’re probably in one already.  Check the signs. Cults have:

A charismatic leader who is not to be questioned.
Darryn’s GF:  How could you do this to us? How could you disrespect our relationship like this?
Darryn: Babe, come on really, you don’t find you overreacting… it’s just a PC…
Darryn’s GF:  You said you were getting a Mac! Didn’t I show you the interview with Steve Jobs? Didn’t you understand how great the new Mac’s are? They are going to change the world. They are going to lead a revolution! Don’t you want to help lead a revolution?
Darryn: No, I just want to surf the net and go on Facebook.
Darryn’s GF:  Oh my God! Steve Jobs says…
Darryn: You realize you treat Steve Jobs like he’s God or something?
Darryn’s GF: Steve Jobs is a visionary, a prophet! Do you realize how innovative the Macintosh was? This man is brilliant!
Darryn: Didn’t he himself admit he stole the ideas for the Macintosh from Xerox back in the 80s? 
Darryn’s GF: Shut your mouth! Shut your mouth now! 

A goal expressed in an easy to understand mantra.
Scene #1
Robert: Great is the PNM! It shall prevail! 
Darryn: Ok Robert, but you all lost the election real bad. You don’t think the PNM needs a concrete philosophy now? Something that will appeal to a new generation of people?
Robert: Great is the PNM it shall prevail! 

Scene #2
Darryn: You don’t think Kamla appointing Reshmi as head of the SIA seems really corrupt and stupid mom?
Darryn’s mom: I’m sure Kamla knows what she doing Darryn. We will rise! 
Darryn: You can’t just repeat her campaign slogan when she screws up Mom. 
Darryn’s mom: You want to eat food in this house! Say, “We will rise!” 

Scene #3
Darryn: Sheldon, I real disillusioned with UNC and PNM dred. Sheldon: Hoss you need to get with it and support the COP dred.Darryn: Why?
Sheldon: Because the COP – Working for You!
Darryn: Well… that sounds... boring. 

Members display blind allegiance. 
Darryn: Dred what we doing out here? 
Sheldon: We waiting to get inside. Stop complaining. 
Darryn: Dred we spend the last hour in line dred. Screw 51. Let’s just go somewhere else. What so f*cking great about 51 anyway?
Sheldon: Dred stop taking crazy! This is 51 hoss! This is 51! Stop being negative for once nah and just have some patience. This is 51 hoss! 
Darryn: I don’t see why I have to beg people to let me in their place so I can then buy their overpriced drinks!
Sheldon: Dred you sounding like a mad man! Just relax and think about how great it’s going to be once we get in. This is 51 hoss! This is 51! 

Members are always actively recruiting.   
Chantal: Hey Boodan you playing mas with us this year? I can get you a costume in Tribe! 
Darryn: Nah. I doh really play mas. I not all that into Carnival.
Chantal: What! You serious? You doh play mas! But I can get you a costume from Tribe. You know much people would kill for that?
Darryn: You mean people dying to be grossly overcharged for a costume designed by someone who just learnt Photoshop, and wanting to spend the day in it getting drunk, walking around POS stopping to pose for pics to put up on Facebook to show how much fun they having, all the while listening to repetitive music crafted with as much thought and imagination as a maxi conductor tout saying, “South, Couva , California”?
Chantal: How you know you wouldn’t like it? You have to try something first to know if you like it or not.
Darryn: Well I never tried having cancer. I’m sure I’d hate it though.
Chantal: This is why nobody sits in the lunchroom with you Boodan. 

Members must surrender their life’s possessions if they expect to reap rewards. 
Lady at the bank: Ok Mr Boodan, once you give us the 10% down payment, guarantee of employment for the next 50 years, stamp duty fees, and lawyer fees, we are good to go and you can get your home in no time.
Darryn: Well the thing is right, if I put together all my savings and collateral, and maybe borrow some money, I can maybe make that up, but I won’t have anything at all left.
Lady at the bank: Right... and?
Darryn: Well it’s just that if I survive buying a home, I am fearful of being enslaved with payments I could barely afford for the rest of my life. I feel my life would just belong to the bank.
Lady at the bank: Don’t you want your own home Mr Boodan? Don’t you want to be a real man and own your own home? We can give you that Mr Boodan. We can help you. You just need to help us first. 

Members must limit interactions with other groups. 
Karel: So how you doing Darryn. How things?
Darryn: Cool Karel. Things cool. What you wanted to talk to me about?
Karel: Well Darryn. I see you wrote a piece for 411.
Darryn: Yeah. So?
Karel: Well. It’s just that I thought you were committed to Outlish. 
Darryn: Well I am. I don’t see how me writing stuff for other people affects Outlish.
Karel: Well it’s just I thought you were one of us. I thought you shared our values. I really want my writers to be committed completely to the cause Darryn.
Darryn: Ah… what… cause... Karel?
Karel: What cause? You See Darryn? You see how you have allowed outside influences to blind you to what is happening here at Outlish? Have you lost your faith Darryn?
Darryn: Ah… Karel I have to go. I don’t feel comfortable.
Karel: Why did you lie to me and say that you missed your deadline last week because you were sick? I knew you and your friend Sheldon from 411 went 51! I have it right here on tape!
Darryn: Dred! You spying on me!
Karel: Get comfortable Darryn. You not leaving here till I get my article. 

So the real question is, are you trapped in a cult? Do you need help escaping? I can help you. I can make it better. I can give you the answers you are searching for. 


Anonymous said...

It's such a shame that, for an individual with considerable wit, who shows much disregard for the emotions of the people you address. You are so sensitive and unable to deal with others who deal with you in pretty much the same manner. It is a common failing I am sure, but quite unbecoming. I'll keep following your stories, and maybe one day you'll man up and come have a drink with me at Earth next time we happen to be there at the same time. By the way, good luck with the reconciliation :)

Samantha said...

OMG! There is intelligent life out there.........! Love the blog....LURVE IT!