Friday, September 15, 2017

Darryn’s Invisible Oil



Is crude oil always messing up your clothes, your floor and the inside of your oil refinery? Then why not try Darryn’s Invisible Oil! Darryn’s Invisible Oil enables you to enjoy all the benefits of crude oil without all the ‘crude’ and ‘oil’. That’s because Darryn’s Invisible Oil is produced via a special drilling process called “Rowley-Khaning”, which involves using the energy of Dr. Keith Rowley going on vacation to drill into the imagination of Minister Franklyn Khan;  unleashing endless barrels of rich crude nothingness.

Friday, September 8, 2017

Tips to solve my murder



The only thing more depressing than the recent brutal murders of Claire Broadbridge and Ramdevi Singh, is listening to the T&T Police Service promise to catch their killers. That’s because our Police Service knows as much about catching criminals as Shiva Chaitoo knows about playing the violin. That’s why I’ve decided to be forward thinking and devise a list of helpful tips and reminders for the Police Service to follow if ever I am brutally murdered. I got the inspiration from my girlfriend who likes to leave me notes by the kitchen sink reminding me to wash my coffee mug. Incidentally, if I am ever found beaten to death by a dirty coffee mug, please inform the police that my girlfriend constantly left me notes threatening to do just that.

Friday, September 1, 2017

So you want to be a Minister?



The Ministry of Public Utilities has once again been thrown into chaos, as the appointment of Robert Le Hunte has been revoked after just two days. Trinbagonian born Le Hunte, who holds a Ghanaian passport didn’t know that only citizens of Trinidad and Tobago, can serve in Parliament. In his defence, he said he was sick at home the day they taught that in Standard Five Social Studies class. The Prime Minister has said he will reappoint Mr. Le Hunte once he figures out which country he belongs too. Until then Dr. Rowley has started interviewing back up candidates, of which the Express has received exclusive transcripts off. Here they are:

Friday, August 25, 2017

How to curry an Ibis

 The Ministry of Community Development, Culture and the Arts have declared August ‘National Patriotism Month’. And what better way to celebrate than to head to the river for a cookout lime with friends and family. Engaging in those two great Trinbagonian pastimes; heart disease and the senseless destruction of nature. But why not make your river lime extra special this year. Instead of the usual menu of curry duck seasoned in White Oak, try some curry Scarlet Ibis. There is no better way to demonstrate your love for your country than by eating its protected national bird.  Plus, the Scarlet Ibis is 100% organic and gluten free. 

Friday, August 18, 2017

The T&T Titanic




From the producers of such hits as ‘When Burkie met Marlene’, ‘Stop or Farris’kids will shoot’ and ‘Shamfa Cudjoe: Million-dollar phone bill baby” comes this summer’s biggest blockbuster ‘The T&T Titanic’. Witness the story of young Rohan Sinanan, a bohemian drifter and Minister of Transport who sails to Tobago on the T&T Titanic; all the way from Trinidad. Along the way Rohan meets privileged young socialite and Port Authority Chairwoman Alison Lewis. Watch as two people, both travelling in first class, fall hopelessly in love with mysterious Canadian firm Bridgeman Services:

Friday, August 11, 2017

Ancel Roget and the Mimic Men



July and August are the months in which the big Carnival bands in T&T show off their costumes for the coming Carnival season. Trinbagonians wait with bated breath to see which band has come up with the most creative and innovative way to pretend their designs aren’t just bikinis and feathers. It’s a time when the nation whets its appetite for the delights of Carnival that lie ahead; namely indulging in wild fantasies, staggering down the road tipsy, and urinating in public. Which also means it’s the perfect time for the nation’s trade unions to hold a rally; which they did last Friday in Port of Spain. 

Friday, August 4, 2017

Stuart Young defends Maduro



Greetings Trinidad and Tobago. Regular columnist Darryn Boodan is off today. He’s in court over an alleged zaboca theft. I am Minister Stuart Young. You may know me as a Minister in the Ministry of Legal Affairs.  Or as a Minister in the Office of the Prime Minister. Or simply as that guy who follows Dr. Rowley around everywhere and sycophantically repeats everything he says. I would like to talk about a very serious issue; the crisis in Venezuela. As you know, we in T&T have a saying, “When your neighbor’s house on fire, wet your own”.  And we in the PNM have another saying, “When your neighbor is a brutal despot; perform some mental gymnastics to rationalize doing business with him.”