Saturday, December 19, 2015

Why Trump is a Trini

Donald Trump may look like your average 69-year-old white American man, who happens to be wearing a dead cat on his head. But judging by his actions over the past few months, its clear that Trump is in fact a Trinbagonian. Consider for example Trump’s political image crafted on a bloated narcissism, or his love of conspiracy theories, or the way he ignores facts in favour of what random strangers tell him on Twitter. Yes, the only thing left for Trump to do now is eat doubles, lime at Maracas and make a Facebook video beating his children.

Trump, in case you weren’t aware, is a world famous billionaire and reality TV star, who along with 13 other candidates is currently vying for the Republican Party nomination for President. Like a true Trinbagonain politician Trump has based his campaign around stoking his personality cult, saying outrageous things, and pandering to the lowest common denominator.  It’s a strategy that would surely make him Prime Minister in T&T, but seeing as he’s running for the office of US president, -a position that demands sanity-it’s one that’s instead made him an object of worldwide ridicule.

Though Trump is currently leading in most polls, analysts suggest that the race for the Republican nomination is largely an exercise in seeing who gets to lose to Hilary Clinton in the 2016 US Presidential election.

In the highly likely event that Donald Trump fails in his bid to become US President he shouldn’t despair. Rather he should simply move to the place his Trini heart belongs. Forget America, for people like Trump and his supporters Trinidad and Tobago is the real land of opportunity. In T&T, Trump will find that nearly all of his views already enjoy massive popularity. 

For example, like Trump, most Trinibagonains are against abortion and its illegal here. Also like most Trinis Trump is a firm supporter of the death penalty. He also opposes gay marriage and might be impressed to learn gays are (at least technically) legally barred from entering the country. And of course he thinks problems in healthcare; education and crime would be solved if we simply asked angels for help more. 

Trump’s most controversial policy stance has been on immigration. He has proposed building a wall on the border with Mexico and more recently proposed halting all Muslim immigration to the US. But even here, if he substituted Mexicans with Grenadians or Guyanese and Muslim immigrants with Chinese workers, most Trini’s would be cheering Trump on while making him Prime Minister for life.

And it not just in Trinbagonian politics where Trump could prosper. For example even though he has obviously benefitted from free market capitalism himself, Trump opposes one of its foundation principles; free markets. He is against globalization and is in favor of restricting free trade with China and India. Evidence might show how capitalism and globalization have reduced world poverty and increased living standards for millions of people in the developing world, but in T&T anti capitalist, anti globalization rhetoric take precedence over stupid things like “evidence”. 

Trumps glaring hypocrisy of berating capitalism while clearly benefitting from it means he could have a rewarding career as a UWI lecturer or Trade Union leader. He could also find himself heading the Artist Coalition of T&T, the group who constantly call for protectionist economic polices of the very kind Trump champions. His shoddy understanding of economics means he could even hope to be appointed Central Bank Governor, or Minister of Finance.
 Trinbagonains of course love going to places where they told they are too poor, too ugly or too low class to go. Which would mean Trump ‘s talents for telling people to stay out would really shine if he ever opened a nightclub on Arapita Avenue, or started a bikini and feathers carnival band. 

And what Trinbagonian isn’t impressed with a gaudy skyscraper that serves no purpose? Wouldn’t we love if there were a Trump Tower in T&T? We would all flock to go into it, especially if Trump told us to stay the hell out.
Trump would also be pleased to learn that what he considers to be a major cultural event is in perfect sync with that of most Trinbagonains: I of course mean beauty pageants.  In fact Trump doesn’t just love beauty pageants, he owns about 3 of them including Miss Universe. Forget Peter Minshal, or Sparrow or Brian Lara, Trump would easily be hailed as T&T’s greatest icon if let T&T win Miss Universe every year.

The rest of the world may be laughing at Donald Trump, dismissing him as a narcissistic, xenophobic charlatan who is willfully ignorant of world affairs. But he could at least take some solace in knowing that he will always have a loving home in T&T.

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