How to get Poor, Quick

Comrades, are you fed up with living in a country where grocery shelves are stacked with food? Frustrated by your freedom to use the Internet? Tired of using toilet paper? Then why not embrace the wonderful economic theory of socialism. Socialism is the easiest and fastest way to reduce the economy of any country to a smoldering ruin-guaranteed.

 Choosing socialism has never been easier. Ever since T&T became broke; there have been wonderful socialist ideas making the rounds publicly from intellectuals, trade unionists and the generally uninformed. Here are 4 of the best ones:

1. Price Controls

The Movement for Social Justice (MSJ) is demanding that government implement a “Price Council” to ensure merchants sell their goods at a “fair price”. Which sounds suspiciously like price controls. You see, economists and capitalist pigs believe the lie that free market forces of supply and demand determine prices of goods and services. Socialists like the MSJ however, know the truth; that merchants set prices by sprinkling magical price setting pixie dust on their goods. Hence the need for price controls.

Price controls are a great way to trigger massive food shortages, hoarding, and sky-high inflation. The MSJ was no doubt inspired by the price controls instituted in Venezuela by their hero, the late Hugo Chavez.  And you just have to look at the lines of Venezuelans waiting for hours to get fingerprinted in order to buy a loaf of bread to see what a great success it’s been. Just imagine, that could be you!

2. Planting our own food

Of course, nothing screams poverty more than a nation having to rely on subsistence farming. That’s why my colleague, Raffique Shah, writing in these pages said he believed that “the future lies in family farms, not mega farms”. A family planting food is of course reminiscent of the good ole Middle Ages; or as socialists call it, the golden age of equality. All families equally planted food and all equally starved.

You see, as agriculture currently accounts for an incredibly low 0.6% of our GDP, replacing mega farms with family farms means we can lower production and efficiency even more to a whopping 0.2%. A nation relying on family farms is a surefire way to stay poor forever and comes with the added bonus of mass starvation. If you’re dreaming of a future of state sanctioned penury, then family farms are an ideal way to start.

3. Ban Foreign Food

All socialists know that imported food is part of a capitalist conspiracy to supply us with food that’s cheap, plentiful and full of variety. That’s why former Agriculture Minister, Brinsley Samaroo, this week suggested banning foreign fruits and vegetables. As well as confiscating all supplies of magical pixie dust.

Mr. Samaroo’s suggestion is perfect for anyone dreaming of standing in an endless line, waiting to spend all their money on meager rations. You see, banning foreign food supplies will increase demand on local food supplies. As local supplies struggle to meet increased demand, food prices will increase astronomically leading to food shortages and food rationing.  Hunger has always been a proud hallmark of all socialist economies, and by banning foreign food you can rest assured you’ll be starving in no time at all. 

4. Implement dumb taxes

 The internet has ushered in a new era of commerce with innovation and creativity. Naturally, socialist logic dictates that we should find a way to retard its progress by implementing a pointless tax on it. That’s why this week, Minister of Finance, Colm Imbert, announced a 7 % tax on internet purchases. This tax is a great way to help discourage people from creating new technology companies and go back to planting the land with their families.

You see, the majority of businesses in T&T are small to mid-sized companies. These companies depend on foreign suppliers for their goods and services. Penalizing these companies with an internet purchase  tax, helps to decrease their competitiveness, the quality of their services, as well as make them dependent on large local bulk suppliers. These large local bulk suppliers will end up using foreign exchange supplies inefficiently, hence achieving the exact opposite of what the tax is supposed to prevent. It’s socialism at its finest!

In these tough economic times, it’s important that Trinidad and Tobago make the right economic choices. And if we want to live the dream of spending our lives in a hopelessly impoverished country, starving and united in the inability to properly wipe our butts, then make sure to choose socialism today!