My relationship from hell

Since I started writing for the Trinidad Express I get lots of emails from fans asking me questions.  Questions like, “Darryn, what’s your bank pin number” or “Darryn, would you like to purchase Viagra”, or “Darryn, where do you live, I want to come and punch you in the face”. 

But last week I got one question I think I can actually answer. It’s from spambot23, who asks “Darryn how do you spot the red flags in a relationship?” Well spambot23, great question. Allow me to illustrate these red flags using my own personal relationship from hell.  Here they are:

Red Flag 1.       They are self-absorbed

God:                  And I was like, “Let the water under the sky be gathered to one place, and let dry ground appear." And it was so, then…

Darryn:             Can we talk about something else;

                          I’ve heard this story a million  times. 

God:                  Oh. I’m sorry if the beginning of creation bores you.

                          What do you want to talk about?

Darryn:             What you think about the falling oil price?

God:                  I knew those dinosaurs were a waste of time.

                          That why I made that comet,

Darryn:              Why do you always do this?

God:                  Do what?

Darryn:             You have power over all creation but every

                          conversation has to revolve around you as well!

God:                  Fine. Let’s talk about the 

                          universe you made, huh Darryn??

Red Flag 2.       They are Possessive

God:                  So, you and Buddha texting each other now?

Darryn:             Hey you went through my phone?

God:                  You really thought I wouldn’t find out?? I’m omniscient! 

Darryn:             We were just talking about the concept 

                          of reincarnation. Please don’t start acting crazy.

God:                 I, the Lord your God, am a jealous God, punishing 

                         children for the  iniquity of parents to the third and

                         the fourth   generation of those who reject me! 

Darryn:            You know that is a sign of really low self-esteem!

Red flag 3        They always asking for money

God:                 Hey dude, can you pay me a tithe of 100 dollars?

Darryn:             What’s a tithe?

God:                  Darryn I gave you 100% of everything you have.

                          You can keep 90% but  10% belongs to me. 

                          It’s called paying your tithes. If you watched Church

                         shows on TV on a Sunday morning you would

                          know about  it.

Darryn:             I only watch the Sopranos and that sounds

                          just like extortion. 

God:                Pay me my money man! Don’t make me break your legs!

Red Flag 4       They have Double standards  

God:                 Dude, you see this? Gays want to marry. 

                         What this world coming to?

Darryn:             I thought you loved everybody unconditionally?

God:                 I don’t hate gays; I just think who they are is

                         an abomination to me.

Darryn:            How can you say that your love is unconditional

                       and then impose conditions on it? 

                       You gave people free will.

God:               I gave people free will under the expressed condition 

                       that they do everything I say or go to hell!

Darryn:           I think you’re a hypocrite!

God:               I think you might be a fairy!

Red flag 5      They lie

Darryn:         So, you’re saying that the world is only 

                      six thousand years old?

God:              Yep. I intelligently designed it over seven days.

Darryn:         How?

God:             Well mostly on my Mac using Adobe Photoshop and

                      Illustrator 10, then I saved it in a PDF format.

Darryn:         The universe is a giant PDF document?

God:              More or less.

Darryn:         Most scientists say that the Earth is billions of years 

                     old and that life gradually evolved through 

                     the process of natural selection.   

God:             Well that’s because most scientists don’t go

                     to Naparima College. The only school where 

                     you will learn the truth.  

Red Flag 6      They say you can’t live without them

Darryn:            Hey we need to talk.

God:                Oh look, I’ll pay you back the 100 dollars man.

Darryn:           No it’s not about that. This just not working out.

God:                How you mean? It’s Buddha isn’t it? 

                        You leaving me for Buddha!

Darryn:            No. The thing is, I don’t think you’re real.

                        Nobody can be this mean spirited, petty

                        and vindictive.

God:               Really, I want to see how far you will 

                        reach without me. Don’t be calling my name 

                       when you in trouble.Or when you want West Indies

                       to win, because I’ll never let them win another 

                      game again!

It’s been a long time since God and I parted ways. And except for when West Indies are batting, I don’t miss him.