Friday, August 19, 2016

ISIS Career Guidance

This week we learned that nine Trinbagonians are being deported from Turkey, having been suspected of trying to join ISIS. No doubt these men are in for a difficult time when they return. Their heads will be filled with puzzling questions, like, ‘What will I do now’? and ‘How will I fit in’?  and ‘wait a minute, just how many children does the Prime Minister have’? But it need not be like this. T&T actually offers many career options for failed ISIS fighters. If you’re one of those who are disappointed you can no longer fulfill your dreams of adventure, excitement and religiously inspired madness, here are some great local jobs that will help you reintegrate into Trinbagonian society.

 Sell Organic food
Just like ISIS, the organic food movement relies on an ideology that instills fear, promotes irrationality, and tells converts if they go gluten free they will be rewarded with 72 hipster virgins in the afterlife.
As an organic food seller you will preach bogus claims like organic food doesn’t use pesticides and that it’s healthier than Genetically Modified Food (GMO) and that any scientist who says different needs to have his head chopped off. 
Forget America, the Jewish media, and innocent civilians, you’re new enemies will be Monsanto, capitalism and starving children who could be fed with healthier and accessible GMO food.

Host a radio/TV talk show
A successful ISIS fighter needs to be well versed in many topics. Like religion, politics, and conspiracy theories. Making them a perfect fit for a career as a radio or TV talk show host. Swapping the machine gun for a camera or a microphone may feel strange at first, but you’ll realize that you’ll still be able to preach political propaganda, bully people who don’t agree with you, and tell everyone about how the Jews were behind the destruction of the Twin Towers on 9/11.
Plus by peddling bogus health information like how the Zika Virus was made by white people as a form of population control or that vaccines are evil or that herbs can cure cancer; you’ll still be able to murder people. 

Work in Customer Service 
People don’t just join ISIS for the sun and blood soaked sand, it’s also the joy of torturing innocent people as well.  ISIS thinks they are the champions of torture. But that’s because they have never been to the St. James licensing office.
Forget about sexual enslavement, waterboarding or chopping peoples’ head off; you haven’t seen torture until you’ve seen hordes of people line up for hours only to be told there is no cashier and they need to come back tomorrow. People willingly set themselves on fire.   
Customer service jobs in T&T offer many different options to sadistically torment people. Whether it’s Blink Bmobile, WASA or the grand masters of them all-FLOW Cable Customer service representatives.

Join the police
If you really insist on having a career where you get to use weapons and be a law onto yourself, then joining the T&T Police service is the next best thing to joining ISIS. In fact a few well-known radical jihadists started their career in our police service. Plus you’ll get to shoot people, speed without getting a ticket and drive through traffic jams.
The only downsides though are that employee morale may not be as high in the Police Service as they are in ISIS. And working in the T&T police may not get you much admiration from friends and family as you would, working for ISIS.

Go into politics
Sure the whole point of joining ISIS is that you don’t believe in democracy or rule of law, or asking people for their opinions. Thankfully though T&T politics is a unique beast. All you need to start you own political party is charisma, excellent communication skills and a mob of people aligned to you by race or religion. Preferably both.
Trinidadian voters don’t care about mundane things like you’re ideas on economics, political theory or whether or not you have links with home grown terrorist groups. They will always be willing to give to you a chance. Once you’re their race and religion.
So start sending out those applications today. And don’t let your dreams of being a violent religious zealot go to waste just because you got deported.

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