Sunday, September 18, 2016

A crime prayer

Dear God, whether you go by any of the many names Trinbagonians call you; Jesus, Shiva, Allah or Lionel Messi, I am praying to you to help stop the violent crime epidemic plaguing Trinidad and Tobago. I know you are a Trini at heart. Which may explain why you allowed crime to spiral out of control and have done little to fix it, despite our constant pleas. It’s ok, as a fellow Trini I understand. You’re probably on lunch and the lunch hour in heaven must operate according to a different standard of time than it does on Earth. Just like it does in the Passport Office. 

Dear God, I know that it's important we help ourselves first. That’s why I am also praying for the Prime Minister’s new crime plan to be successful. As you know, Dr. Rowley addressed the nation last Sunday, outlining his new crime initiatives, and talking about his first year in Government. I found his speech rather inspiring. He reminded us that as bad as things are, we should be thankful they are not worse. Which is why he sounded like a man celebrating his wedding anniversary by reminding his wife how her how her last husband used to beat her. 

God, according to Dr. Rowley, Trinidad and Tobago has spent TT $25 billion over the last five years in the fight against crime, with little progress to show for it. That’s why he’s implementing a bold new strategy; he’s going to spend US $17.5 million more.  

This new spending, Dr. Rowley says, will go towards boosting police intelligence gathering. Please help him God. Because judging by the current levels of intelligence in the police service, boosting it, or just getting it off the ground may require the multibillion dollar budget of NASA. As the police utilize all their new expensive equipment, please watch over them God, lest the devil tempts them to buy Starbucks and thus waste foreign exchange. 

Please God, I beg you to finally allow the appointment of a Police Commissioner. As you know, Superintendent Stephen Williams has been the acting Police Commissioner since 2013. In that time he’s given an acting performance worthy of being in the movie 'Bazodee'. God, I don’t have to tell you how important the role of a Police Commissioner is. It requires a special man or woman possessing the courage and strength to consistently hold press conferences, and say that the police have no leads, while confidently mispronouncing words. 

Most of all God please open the eyes of my fellow citizens and make them see that in order to stop crime we need to go back to the principles of the good ole days. Like teaching children about your love by praying with them. And mercilessly beating them if they refuse. God, make people understand that crimes must be punished and we need to enforce the death penalty. Hangings, though are not good enough. We need something more brutal. Like the guillotine. Or being boiled with oil. Or having to go on a CIROC boat party cruise. Criminals will surely think twice when they see that as punishment, they must fight in a muddy carpark while dressed in white. 

Please God, make us as a nation immune to the voices of the devil. Those voices that say, it’s scientifically proven that the death penalty doesn’t work, or that corporal punishment retards children's IQ’s. Or that praying to God to stop crime is about as effective as praying a soca song doesn’t have the lyrics "jump” or “wine” in it. 

Those evil voices that also say that we should decriminalize marijuana; use drug treatment centres over incarceration, focus on rehabilitation of convicts, stop all Government 'make work' projects which funnel money to gangs, and implement new management methods like COMPSAT, which aids police departments in the US with statistics and productivity measurements.  

Sure, countries which do all these things have far less crime than us. But they also have less religious minded people.

And as you said God, "What does it profit a man to gain a crime free country if he loses the ability to get government contracts or pay me tithes?" God bless T&T. 

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