Friday, October 21, 2016

A message from the Attorney General

Dear fellow citizens, my friend Darryn Boodan has allowed me to use his regular column space to address the current controversy of the pictures of young children holding weapons at Camp Cumuto. Now I cannot confirm nor deny that the children in these pictures are mine. It’s hard to tell, the pictures are grainy and I certainly didn’t teach my children to hold a HK G36 - C Variant with such poor posture. All I will say is that whoever these children’s father is I’m sure he’s a simple, hardworking man who is trying his best as  Attorney General and you all should get off his damn back.

Now I know cynical people believe that  perhaps during a visit to Camp Cumuto, members of the Defence Force recklessly allowed these children to handle these weapons ; maybe as part of a demonstration or maybe just to suck up to their father. But that’s really far-fetched. As the Prime Minister explained these children were actually undergoing classified military training where they are taught to defend their parents and themselves against high level security threats. Which when you think about it could also be the plot of a really sick movie starring Dwayne ‘the Rock’ Johnson.  

Training children in military style combat is a great idea. Children are energetic; follow instructions and have perfected their shooting aim while playing ‘Call of Duty’ on PlayStation. Anyone who tries to attack the family of a Government Minister will have a surprise coming when they realize that small man knows how to use a machine-gun, set booby traps and live off his own urine for weeks; just like Bear Grylls.

Nobody in T&T really pays attention to children, unless they want to get married to them, which is why the Defence Force has also been using children for intelligence gathering. Through strategically placed undercover child operatives, we have collected tons of information on a nefarious terrorist leader known as Skeletor. As well as his associates Beastman, Evil-Lyn, and Clawful and their plot to blow up Castle Grey Skull.

Of course now thanks to Opposition MP Dr. Roodal Moonilal this entire operation is up in smoke. The way Dr. Moonilal brandished these photos in parliament shows that there is no depth the UNC will sink too in attacking their rivals. In T&T politics we have a code of conduct, if you want to score cheap political points, you use thinly veiled racial slurs like “There is a ship at Calcutta waiting to sail to Tobago”, or say “all ah them is alligators form the same murky lagoon” or even fabricate some emails. But don’t resort to involving people’s children.

Some people are saying that it’s unfair that the families of Government Ministers get access to this training and special weapons to defend themselves. But you have to understand that as important Government Ministers we are always in danger from criminal elements. Usually the ones that don’t get CEEPEP contracts. It’s not like the lives of ordinary members of the public are in danger. Well apart from the danger from those gangs that do get CEEPEP contracts.

Though not everyone can have the benefit of being trained by the Defense Force, if you send your children to a typical government secondary school, they will be able to hone their skills in hand to hand combat and  as well as eventually pose with weapons too. 

I want to reiterate that I am not stepping down from my position as Attorney General. Despite what some may say I have broken no laws. The problem with this country is that we have too many bush lawyers; people who like to talk about things they don’t know about. And don’t get me started about the bush photographers; people who like to take pictures of things that are none of their business and share it on the internet.

That’s why I remain committed to the Whistle-blower Protection Bill currently being tabled in Parliament. It will allow people to come forward with potential wrongdoings in the public sector free from fear of reprisals. Provided of course they don’t disclose anything the government of the day finds embarrassing. It’s another great way the security of Government officials will be maintained.

The Attorney General.
The Hon. Farris Al Rawi

Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. Darryn Boodan is not friends with the AG. In fact he barely has any friends at all.  

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