My advice to SEA graduates

To the graduating SEA class of 2017, I say ‘congratulations’. Like many Trinbagonains before you, you have made the journey from primary school to secondary school. This adolescent rite of passage has seen many time honored traditions played out. Like taking extra lessons out of the fear of failure. Dealing with anxiety attacks knowing your whole future is riding on one exam. And feeling like a loser because you didn’t pass for the school of your choice.

When I look at you all I am reminded of myself. I too was once a young, 11 year old eagerly looking forward to my first day of form one.  Full of optimism and hope for the future. Before the cold harsh reality of the world crushed my spirit. I would like to impart some advice to you. It’s the kind of advice I wish I had when I was your age. Listen carefully.

Join a gang

Forget what your parents and teachers tell you; the only true prestige schools in Trinidad and Tobago are Rasta City and Unruly ISIS. Unlike other so called prestige schools, you can’t bribe your way into them. You won’t have to beat up taking an exam to prove yourself to them either. You will just need to beat someone up. Joining a gang will teach you the real lessons you need to get ahead in T&T. Like the mathematics of bribing the police. The biology of intimidating people to get what you want. And the physics of getting government URP contracts. 

Plus joining a gang will enable you to make such high powered connections you won’t just be robbing people, you will also be rubbing shoulders with Government Ministers at Presidents house.

Ditch Science class 

Science is the study of the natural world and how it works. Which is why studying it is a complete waste of time in Trinidad and Tobago. Trinbagonains already know how the natural world works. You can solve any science question by putting “because god is punishing us “at the end of it.  Like tropical storms occur because god is punishing us. Or Earthquakes occur because God is punishing us. Or plants create energy via a process called “because God is punishing us”.

But science isn’t the only useless subject at T&T schools. You can save time by just memorizing these main points to the following classes.

History:         ‘Everything is white people fault’

Maths:           If John has one URP contract and Bill has two URP contracts, how many times should John shoot Bill to get his URP contracts? The answer is 55.

English:          “Great is the PNM” or “We will Rise”.

Economics:   Socialism is the only way you capitalist pig!

Chemistry:    Did you know Soursop cures cancer?

Geography: Flooding occurs in South Trinidad because God is punishing people for voting UNC and building their house in lagoon.

Watch porn 

As a teen don’t expect anyone to give you informed advice on sex. Minister of Education Anthony Garcia may believe he’s a master “woodsman” but he doesn’t believe in sex education in schools. This explains why he is an advocate of abstinence and why he thinks his penis is made of wood.  So if you gonna get false and misleading ideas about the nature of sex, you may as well get it from the best purveyors of false ideas of sex ; Brazzers. I know this may shock teenagers, but you can actually watch pornography on the internet. Yes it’s true.   You may grow up thinking sexual experiences should be accompanied by a 70’s funk baseline or delusions about the job of a pizza delivery guy. But if you at least grow up knowing your penis is not made of wood, you would have learnt something. 

Don’t fall in with the wrong crowd 

As you make your way through your teenage years, there will be peers who will try to pressure you to do all kinds of things. Like drink alcohol. Hang out in clubs or go to seedy adult themed “bars” in Chaguanas. Those are the cool kids. And if you want to be cool, you should go along. But there will also be peers who will try to get you to join their political movements.  You can spot these losers by their Che Guevara tee shirt, ranting about how “capitalism evil” while holding their iPhone 7. Stay away from them and their drum circles. Plus you will have enough time to smoke weed and hook up with loose political pseudo-intellectual hippy chicks when you get to the UWI.

Class dismissed.