Mouttet’s Ferry Tale

Last week Friday, Christian Mouttet submitted his report into the controversy surrounding the award of contracts to Canadian firm Bridgeman Services, to maintain the sea bridge between Trinidad and Tobago. The Prime Minister promised to review it over the weekend; just as soon as he was done binge watching ‘Defenders’ on Netflix. The report has yet to be made public, but the Trinidad Express has received an exclusive copy. It is reprinted in its entirety below.

‘The Sea Bridge Monster’, by Hans Christian Mouttet

Chapter 1.   Puff the Bobol Dragon

Once upon a time, in the land of T&T there lived a Prime Minister called Dr. Rowley. He was well loved by everyone who thought he was doing a fine job. And nobody paid attention to the polls that said otherwise. But living deep beneath the sea between Trinidad and Tobago lived a fierce sea monster called Puff the Bobol Dragon. One day, Puff the Bobol Dragon got angry. “I tired tell these people if you want to pass in my water, I have to get a little taste. A dragon have to live too hoss,” said Puff. So he swallowed the ferry and destroyed the sea bridge. Terror gripped Tobago. And mild inconvenience  gripped Trinidad. Prime Minister Rowley quickly dispatched his Minister of Transport, Rohan Sinanan, otherwise known as Little Red and Ready Hood; to solve the problem.

Chapter 2.   Little Red and Ready Hood

Little Red and Ready Hood made his way through the eternal forest of traffic jams to the house of the Port Authority of Trinidad and Tobago(PATT). “Why PATT, what big eyes you have!”, said Little Red and Ready Hood. “The better to see what you’re not showing us,” replied PATT. “Why PATT what big hears you have!” said Little Red and Ready Hood. “The better to hear what you will deny saying later,” said PATT. “Why PATT, what unnecessary bureaucracy you have!” said Little Red and Ready Hood. “The better to spread the blame around,” said PATT. “We know how to save the sea bridge,” PATT told Little Red and Ready Hood “Take these Bridgeman magic ferry beans to cabinet and everything will be ok. And be careful on your way back, there is a crazy woodsman about.” “You mean a man with an ax?” asked Little Red and Ready Hood. “No, Minister Anthony Garcia,” replied PATT.

Chapter 3.  Goldilocks and the Magic Ferry Beans

Prime Minister Rowley wasn’t sure about the magic ferry beans. But one colleague reassured him. “Don’t worry about the magic ferry beans Prime Minister,” said Minister of Energy Franklyn Khan. “I recently bought some magic oil beans from A&V and they work just fine.” The Prime Minister was still not convinced, but he had an idea. “There is only one person in the land trained in proper procurement policy; Goldilocks.” And so Goldilocks was summoned to cabinet to taste the magic beans. “These beans taste massively overpriced and have an aroma of failed sea trials. What kind of incompetent Minister of Transport oversaw the purchase of these?” said Goldilocks “Shut up Goldilocks!” said Little Red and Ready Hood, “Nobody likes to eat ah food more than you!” So cabinet approved the Bridgeman magic ferry beans. There were running out of time to save the sea bridge. Plus, this was starting to cut into Dr. Rowley’s vacation plans.   

Chapter 4. Enter Jammetrella

Elsewhere in the Kingdom, lived Jammetrella. She was Cinderella’s UNC supporting step sister. Jammetrella desired to be Prime Minister and devised a cunning plan; she was going to point out all the nonsensical things Dr. Rowley was doing. It was somewhat similar to the plan Dr. Rowley himself had before becoming Prime Minister.  But Jammetrella wasn’t alone. There was also the evil Mark Bassant, who thought his job as an investigative reporter meant he had to follow the bread crumbs. And not just those bread crumbs that led to Darryl Smith. But Dr. Rowley, by using his mighty shield of hypocrisy, was able to defend himself against any accusation by simply saying the magic words “She’s a Jammette” or “Stupes”.

Chapter 5. The Never Ending Story

Eventually, the People of T&T realized that since party supporters only hold their rivals to high standards, no one was really going to kill Puff the Bobol Dragon. In fact, the tender to hire a Bobol Dragon Slayer would probably be mired in Bobol itself. So they gave up, and everyone lived happily in a continuous cycle of scandal ever after. The end.