Tips to solve my murder

The only thing more depressing than the recent brutal murders of Claire Broadbridge and Ramdevi Singh, is listening to the T&T Police Service promise to catch their killers. That’s because our Police Service knows as much about catching criminals as Shiva Chaitoo knows about playing the violin. That’s why I’ve decided to be forward thinking and devise a list of helpful tips and reminders for the Police Service to follow if ever I am brutally murdered. I got the inspiration from my girlfriend who likes to leave me notes by the kitchen sink reminding me to wash my coffee mug. Incidentally, if I am ever found beaten to death by a dirty coffee mug, please inform the police that my girlfriend constantly left me notes threatening to do just that.

Here are some useful tips for the TTPS to follow in the event of my murder.

Tip 1. I wasn’t asking for it.

Ok, so you’ve found my bloody lifeless corpse. And naturally your first thoughts are, “What was Darryn doing around Dads Dan so late at night?” And, “Why was he carrying a leather whip and chain?” That’s really none of your business. What you should be concerned about right now is ensuring you preserve the crime scene as well as establish a time of death. In a recent public lecture at UWI, T&T’s forensic pathologist Valery Alexandrov expressed frustration that murdered Japanese tourist Asami Nagakiya’s body was put into a freezer before being brought to the forensic center, making it difficult to establish an accurate time of death. Alexandrov also lamented the fact that District Medical Officers are often asked to perform initial forensic examinations for which they are not properly qualified, leading to conflicting statements and cases being thrown out. Remember, just because someone likes saying “punish me” doesn’t mean they want to be brutally killed.

Tip 2. Eliminate the impossible

 “Eliminate the impossible and whatever remains no matter how improbable must be the truth”. That is the famous problem solving motto of Sherlock Holmes. It’s a bit different from the problem solving motto of the TTPS which goes “God help us”. Which is why after the arrest of the man suspected of murdering Shannon Banfield, Deputy Commissioner of Police, Wayne Dick said “We know that there is a God and ­clearly the outcome of this investigation confirms that statement”. Here’s the thing though; I’m an atheist. So God may not be in a hurry to help solve my murder that he could have prevented, but didn’t, so that he could help the police find my killer, thus confirming his existence. This means the TTPS is going to have to rely on actual detective work to find my killer. Like tracing my activities, talking to people who saw me last and using logic and reason to sift through suspects. On second thought, I’m going to start believing in God again.

Tip 3. Read my murder code 

Another issue Valery Alexandrov raised in his lecture was that even if forensic evidence is properly collected, criminal lawyers here are not trained in forensic science, leaving them unable to both properly comprehend and explain data. This is why, to better help the investigation into my murder, I have developed a series of simple signs and gestures I call my murder code, which aided by Rigor Mortis will goes like this:

One finger pointing up = murdered by one person

Two fingers pointing up = murdered by two people

Hand gesture making a Meggie = murdered by someone I know

Thumbs up = murdered by a really good looking woman

Smiley face = robbed

Surprised face = shot from behind

Tongue sticking out = Murdered but tortured first by being made to listen to a Police Press Conference

Additionally, if I am able, I will summon my last remaining strength to draw a little map using my blood to where the killer lives.

Tip 4.  Keep a to do list

Lots of things may have declined in T&T recently, like the economy, the sea bridge and Dr. Rowley’s approval ratings. But the one thing that keeps moving upwards is the murder rate. Which is why the TTPS should make a to do list on a Post-it note of all the murders that need solving and stick it on their computer. This will help remind you that there are people counting on the justice system to work. Every new murder sparks new outrage, but every murder that’s two weeks old gets forgotten about faster than you can say Dana Seethahal. So make sure and keep my case on your list TTPS. Right next to Claire Broadbridge and Ramdevi Singh and the countless others waiting for justice. It’s the very least you can do.