This week was Budget Week. And with expressions like ‘fake oil’ and ‘fake economy’ and ‘fake sex tape’ being tossed around, I felt what better way to analyze the budget than having a fake conversation with Finance Minister Colm Imbert. Here it is:
Minister Imbert: First of all, Darryn let me say I didn’t come here to answer dumb sterile questions. I get enough of those at Cabinet Meetings.
Darryn: Minister, Budget 2018, is titled “Changing the Paradigm” which you described as an “unusual theme”. Why so?
Minister Imbert: Well firstly, it wasn’t my original choice for the title. I wanted to use “Budget 2018: Who Vex Lorse”, but the Prime Minister made me change it. Secondly, oil prices are falling and our overdependence on oil exports have sent us into a recession. These are unusual times that we have never witnessed before. Except for those two times before when the exact same thing happened.
Darryn: Minister, how would describe the current paradigm?
Minister Imbert: Well Darryn, it can be summed up as a Nanny State. A nation relying on the government for subsidies on fuel, water, electricity, higher education, housing and transportation. I don’t know where people get this ‘gimme gimme’ mentality from!
Darryn: Actually, Minister, weren’t all of those subsidies created by the PNM?
Minister Imbert: Oh, here goes the media always pointing the finger of blame! Can’t we just rise above the pettiness of partisan politics for a change?
Darryn: Sorry Minister, please continue.
Minister Imbert: As I was saying; this ‘gimme gimme’ culture was obviously created by the UNC. And now the PNM must fix it by changing the paradigm.
Darryn: Minster, the big takeaways from the budget were the increase in fuel prices, the raise in corporation taxes and the new 12. 5% royalty rate in the energy sector. Would you care to describe your decision making process with regards to these.
Minister Imbert: Darryn, the fuel subsidy is a tremendous drag on our economy. It mostly benefits the rich. It kills innovation in the sector. And it harms the environment. We need to start phasing it out.
Darryn: Remind me which party created the fuel subsidy again?
Minister Imbert: That’s not important Darryn. What’s important is that I understand what the poor man going through. I know the man on the street is saying, “Hey, how am I going to fill the tank in my new Ford Mustang GT now?”. Well we all have to make sacrifices Darryn.
Darryn: How do you respond to claims that these policies will drive up prices for consumers, and in the case of the 12.5% royalty rate scare away investment?
Minister Imbert: Look it's about time the banks feel how it feels to get shaft ok? And so what if oil companies leave? Are oil companies the only ones who know how to drill for oil?
Darryn: I think they might be, Sir.
Minister Imbert: Look, it have a piper by me name Charlie who will paint your whole house for $50. I sure he will be willing to go find a gas field in the ocean for a $100. We just have to keep an eye on him. Last time he paint my house he stole my TV.
Darryn: Sir, your budget appears to send mixed signals. On the one hand it states the negative impact subsidies and government spending has had on our economy. Yet it also lays out billions of dollars the government intends to spend on infrastructural projects. What is your overarching economic philosophy?
Minister Imbert: Darryn, my economic philosophy is pretty simple; it's called “Having your cake and eating it too”. You see, I have managed to trim government spending while simultaneously maintaining the spending necessary to placate party groups and party financiers. I get to brag about trimming the fat while simultaneously putting on fat. It’s ingenious!
Darryn: Is that why you were upset that Marla Dukharan said the budget reminded her of David Rudder’s calypso “The Rant of a Mad Man”?
Minister Imbert: My budget does not sound like “The Rant of a Madman”. If anything, it sounds like the Mighty Sparrow's “Both ah Dem”. Or maybe Lord Kitchener’s “Love in the Cemetery”! I’m done with this interview!
Darryn: Thanks for your time, sir.
Minister Imbert: Thanks Darryn. I look forward to seeing how you will spin this to make me look like a person who loves the smell of his own flatulence. That’s what the media does. I have to go, Charlie is washing my Mustang.
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