Dear citizens of Trinidad and Tobago, regular columnist
Darryn Boodan is off today, as he has an important business meeting with a
money lender from Enterprise Village, who gives Carnival Loans. As a result the
Trinidad Express has allowed me; your Prime Minister, to use this space to
respond to a column by Ralph Maraj, entitled ‘Resign Rowley’. Now admittedly I
don’t read the Express. It’s filled with too much depressing stories about
crime and the failing economy. I get all my news from Minister Stuart Young,
who told me that the public loves me so much my last address to the nation is
going to win road march this year. That’s why I was shocked when I heard Ralph
Maraj had accused me of being disconnected from reality and demanded I resign.
In his ridiculous 900
word rant Mr. Maraj implied that I am a poor leader, am unconcerned about the exploding
crime epidemic and generally possess no plan to fix the country. Firstly Mr.
Maraj I am an exceptional leader. I listen to criticism. I am calm. And I make
rational decisions. So you better shut your damn mouth about me before I put on
my shitkickers and kick you all the way from St Ann’s to Mason Hall! Being
Prime Minister is not like writing an episode of ‘Calabash Alley’. Every minute
of the day you are weighed down by heavy questions. Like, will gangs stop the
violence? Can we pay public servants their salaries this month? Can I trust this woman to keep this on the
down low? Then again maybe it is a little bit like Calabash Alley.
I know that you, the citizens of this country are concerned
about the escalating murder rate. But you must understand what I’m dealing with.
A police force that is rife with bureaucracy and corruption. A porous border
that allows drugs and guns to pass freely through. And a National Security
Minister who doesn’t understand the meaning of the expression; “don’t bother me
when I’m on the golf course.” Now I know some of you want me to do crazy things
like decriminalize marijuana, or stop funding gangs via CEPEP and URP projects.
What do you all think; that as Prime Minister I have magic powers that lets me
shape government policy and national laws? Oh. Wait. Minister Young is now
telling me that I might actually have those powers. I’ll get back to you on
that.
Anyway I know that aside from crime many of you are concerned
by the state of the economy. I want you to know that I share your pain. The
government is serious about addressing what needs to be done to fix our
economy. That’s why we appointed respected Economist Terrance Farrell to chair
the Economic Development Board. And even though he resigned in frustration last
week, I must say the quality of the advice he presented which I subsequently
ignored was exceptional.
You must understand citizens fixing the economy is not an
easy task. Minister of Finance Colm Imbert is doing all he can. But he has to
contend with low energy prices, militant trade unions and office desks in the
Ministry that are really high. Also I’ll admit he’s not the easiest person to
work with. He tends to lose his temper with people. Especially if its
economists who are smarter than him. I too have had my personal struggles with
Mr. Imbert. After our last meeting where he praised my address to the nation as
reminding him of President Obama, I later found a note taped on me that read “o-bam-cy”.
That had to be him who put it there, because it was stuck to my back thigh. Still
I have total faith in Mr. Imbert. They say fixing the economy is a thankless
task. So who better than a thankless person.
So Mr. Maraj is free
to think I’m a feckless tragic figure, paralyzed by a mixture of incompetence
and inadequacy. But I think he’ll find that when the history books are written
they will say that when Dr. Keith Christopher Rowley became Prime Minister, he
wrote a book. And for that reason, Mr. Maraj, I shall not be resigning. In fact
I intend to contest the next PNM leadership contest. Sorry I have to go now-Minister
Young appears to be choking.
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