Friday, September 4, 2015

How to cope with election defeat

It’s the morning of September 8, 2015 and the political party you support has been defeated at the polls. Sure if you supported one of the lesser known parties, like the Movement for Social Justice, New National Vision, or whatever the name of that pro-marijuana hippy party is called, you probably saw it coming. However if you supported either one of the main political parties, you know the ones normal people vote for, you are probably a depressed, inconsolable mess on the verge of going on a wild, bitter rant on Facebook.

As T&T’s race based politics is more or less evenly split amongst the country’s two largest racial groups, Indians and Africans, you can take some consolation that at least half the country is also feeling like hopeless losers. Except for douglas, who always feel like half losers no matter what happens.

Here are some proven ways to cheer yourself up after realizing that all the flags and posters you stuck on your car, all the election Facebook statuses you posted, and all the time you spent waiting in line to vote was all in vain.

Claim the Moral High ground
Tell yourself that the reason your party lost was in fact because they stuck to their principles. Unlike the winning party who used all manner of crafty ways to get people to like them and want to vote for them. Like it was some kind of election campaign.  As a dedicated party supporter, you know that your party and your party alone has all the solutions to T&T’s problems. You know that the country will now head straight to hell in a handbasket and the only thing left of it in a few weeks time will be a smoking crater in the ground. But you’ll be right there to say, “I told you so!”

Be Racist
T&T is a diverse multiracial society, which means it provides an excellent array of different races and religions to blame all your problems on.  For example if you didn’t want the PNM to win feel free to blame Africans, because “you know how them so racist”. Likewise if you didn’t want to the PP to win, blame Indians because “you know how them so racist”. Feel free to be creative with your racism. Maybe those damn Syrians are backing the PNM, that’s why they won; “you know how them Syrians are”. Or maybe those damn Chinese split the vote that’s why the PP won; “you know how them Chinese are”. Your racist ideas don’t need to make sense they just need to make you feel better about being a loser.

Blame God
As everyone knows, the voice of the people is the voice of God. And God has decided that your voice wasn’t worth listening to and didn’t deserve to win.  It might be harsh blaming God, after all, he claims to have a grand plan for everyone, even political losers like you. But is that really so? Think about it. If God really cared about you like he claims he does, wouldn’t he have allowed the political party you support to win?  Ask yourself, “Is God really as objective as he claims to be?” Maybe the winning party bribed God with promises of nice juicy box drain contracts. Given it’s God who’s responsible for flooding, maybe God decided to eat ah food.

Concoct wild conspiracy theories  
Hey did you hear that the reason the winning party prevailed was because they implanted microchips into people's’ brains? You didn’t? Well it doesn’t matter, feel free to say it, in fact, post it on Facebook, and make sure all your friends see it. Other losers will believe it.  Conspiracy theories are an exciting way to shield yourself from the horrible banal truth that you were on the losing side of popular opinion. Conspiracy theories are also great for losers in that nobody needs to believe you. You and only you know the truth about the microchips in people’s heads. Other people are just too stupid to see it.

So don’t allow the election results to get you down. Employing these techniques are guaranteed to help any loser feel better about life. Or at least cope until the next five years.

1 comment:

NomisTT said...

Oh gosh this was a funny read! Thanks for sharing!