Monday, April 4, 2016

Flying Spaghetti Monster demands Public Holiday

 Everyone knows that God is a Trini. Which means there's nothing God loves more than an excuse to take a day off work. That’s why we at the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster are calling on the government to immediately proclaim  June 1st a public holiday as 'Flying Spaghetti Monster day'. This is to commemorate the holy day when our lord and noodle, the Flying Spaghetti Monster descended from his beer volcano in heaven and created the Universe. 

 For those unfamiliar with the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, and its teachings, allow me to provide a brief explanation. We believe that our deity, the all-powerful complex carbohydrate, the Flying Spaghetti Monster, is the creator of all that is seen and unseen. Including the wondrous water sprinkler here on Earth and the magical Stripper factory in heaven. And if you don’t believe any of this true, we dare you to disprove it!

Members of the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster are called Pastafarians. We wear colanders on our heads and dress as pirates. This might seem a bit odd I know, but don’t worry; we don’t do anything crazy like, marry children, ritualistically cut the foreskin off our penis or brutally murder cartoonists that mock our holy noodle. As Pastafarians we respect all religions but naturally believe that only our holy noodle has the meatballs to true salvation. Plus he is the only deity to offer a '30 day satisfaction or get your old God back' guarantee.

Pastafarians simply want the same respect, recognition and possible government funding that comes from having a religious public holiday. Of the 15 official public holidays Trinbagonians will enjoy this year, 8 of them are religiously based. They include celebrating everything from virgin births, to multi-armed Goddesses, to angels helping write books in caves. Surely the Flying Spaghetti Monster would fit right in.

Furthermore, Pastafarians celebrate ‘Flying Spaghetti Monster Day’ in a really simple way. There are no presents to buy, food to prepare or tithes to pay. Rather, Pastafarians encourage each other to read books that the Flying Spaghetti Monster reads; like Charles Darwin’s ‘On the Origin of Species’ which explains Darwin’s theory of evolution.  For Pastafarians, the fact that life evolved on Earth through millions of years through a process of natural selection is an important part of their worldview. Especially since it’s kind of true.

Pastafarians also spend the day promoting reason and rationale thinking. Like gently reminding their friends on Facebook that sharing memes that promote anti-vaccination conspiracy theories, anti-genetically modified  food conspiracy theories or macroeconomic  advice  from the Movement for Social Justice (MSJ) are things only morons do.

Homosexuals, atheists and bright Naparima College students will also be pleased to learn that the Flying Spaghetti Monster doesn’t want to shoot you. In fact, as long as you’re not the kind of imbecile  who drives down the wrong way on the main road to beat traffic, thinks prayers help fight crime, or wonders why it floods when you dump rubbish in waterways; you’re more than welcome to join the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster.

If Trinidad and Tobago is truly the multicultural country it claims to be; a place where everyone’s religious beliefs are respected, whether it’s a belief in Jesus, Shiva, or Allah, then it should also be a place that respects the belief in a Flying Spaghetti Monster. A Flying Spaghetti Monster who sits in heaven near his beer volcano, while possibly watching Daredevil on Netflix.  People of Trinidad and Tobago; please give the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster the public holiday we deserve. 

I leave you with a Holy 'Hail Meat Sauce' prayer from the Church of the Flying Spaghetti monster. This prayer was revealed to our holy Prophet  Bobbly Henderson, Make sure to check out his Book. "The Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster." available on Amazon and fine bookshops everywhere.  

"Hail meatsauce, full of beef. The Spaghetti Monster is with you. Blessed are you among sauces, and blessed is the spice from your shaker. Heated meatsauce, monster of taste, pray for us non-pirates now and at the hour of our hunger. R'Amen.
A vegetarian sect of FSMism in India is reportedly using a particular soybean extract in place of meatballs. "Soy Mio - it is still a spicy meatball! Tandoori R'Amen!" Glory To The Pasta, Glory be to the Flying Spaghetti Monster, and to the Midgit, and to the Pirates. As it was in the beginning, is now (with a mountain), and ever shall be(and trees), world without end (and with Pirates)."

1 comment:

NomisTT said...

So where do I sign up?