Escape to a Police State

Do you need a break from the daily grind of your job, your commute and your right to free expression? Then why not take a vacation to the socialist paradise of Cuba?!  You may have seen that this week President Barack Obama himself visited Cuba, as part of a “thawing” of relations between it and the US. This makes it the ideal time to visit Cuba, and potentially the last chance to experience the country in its un-spoilt state before the Americans ruin it by opening KFC and Starbucks chains and other steady means of employment.

 Here are 5 exciting attractions to see in Cuba:

1. The Jailing Political Opponents Festival

This festival dates back to the early days of the revolution, and occurs monthly, weekly and daily at anywhere, and anytime. It’s reminiscent of Spain’s famous running of the bulls. If you substitute the people running from the bull, with pro-democracy supporters screaming in terror, and substitute the bull with armed Cuban police forcing protesters into a van, where they will be later carted off to jail.

According to Amnesty International there were 8000 politically motivated detentions in Cuba last year alone, and despite Mr. Obama’s visit, these detentions are unlikely to stop. Meaning, if you walk around Havana saying, “Hey I think Cuba should have free elections,” you are guaranteed to join in on the fun.

2.  Charming poverty

Being a socialist paradise, poverty is of course widespread in Cuba. But it’s a really charming poverty that exudes romance and excitement. Not like the poverty here at home that’s just depressing. With its dilapidated buildings, 1950s convertible cars and population barely scraping by on a meagre salary of $20 US per month, Cuba transports holiday-makers back to a simpler time.  A time that’s unconcerned with petite bourgeoisie things like a reliable supply of clean drinking water, access to basic foodstuff and of course toilet paper. It’s better than rustic, it’s medieval!

You might be surprised to learn that some Cubans don’t appreciate how good they have it, with thousands desperately trying to flee by any means they can. These Cubans are called “sellout capitalist pigs”, and you should ignore them, the way CARICOM leaders and Caribbean intellectuals do.

3. Child Prostitution

Do you like having sex with children? You probably think you would have to fly all the way to Thailand, Cambodia or Vatican City to do that. Well no more. In recent years Cuba has become the hottest sex tourism destination for paedophiles everywhere. According to investigative reports by the Toronto Star, Cuba is the main destination in the Americas for Canadian sex predators.

A US state department report also found that the Cuban government “made no effort to reduce the demands for commercial sex”, noting that “some Cuban children are reportedly pushed into prostitution by their families, exchanging sex for money, food or gifts”. So  remember to stock up on candy, paedophiles!

4. Che Guevara nostalgia

Cuba is the perfect place to celebrate the memory of every UWI student’s favorite revolutionary hero, Che Guevara. Some capitalist pigs who call themselves “historians” say that in real life Che was far from heroic; and was actually a murderous, racist psychopath. Which is obviously false because just look how cool his face looks on a tee shirt.

The best way to remember Che is to take a stroll on the Plaza de la Revolucion, perhaps reciting some of Che’s famous quotes when you do. Quotes like: “To establish Socialism rivers of blood must flow!” or “We must keep our hatred alive and fan it to paroxysm!”  And of course the always inspiring, “We’re going to do for blacks exactly what blacks did for the revolution. By which I mean: nothing.”

What an inspiration Che is.

5. Discovering your socialist spirit  

The best thing about Cuba is the way it will let you discover your socialist spirit. You’ll remember that the things that are really important in life are not trivial ideas about multiparty democracies, a free press or the freedom to use the Internet.  But rather the need to repeat slogans about Cuba having the greatest healthcare in the world. So great that when Fidel or Raul Castro need to see a doctor they go to Spain, presumably so ordinary Cubans wouldn’t have to wait in line behind them.

Or the fact that Cuba has great gender and social equality.  In that everyone is equally miserable and poor. And more importantly, you’ll realise that whatever problems Cuba has, it’s not because of their discredited socialist economic policies or totalitarian government, but rather ; it’s all the USA’s fault.  

So pack your bags and head to Cuba today. Before the Americans spoil it all!