Friday, June 17, 2016

Dude where’s my 72 Virgins?

As an atheist I do not believe in the existence of God. For me the lack of a supreme being watching over us can easily be proven by observing the nature of the Universe, life on Earth and the fact they keep making Transformers movies. Therefore I also know that there is no sexual paradise, with 72 virgins for jihadist Omar Mateen, to go to. However no one can be 100% sure of anything. In the 0.01 % chance that the Jihadist idea of paradise exists I really pray that the following scenario is what Omar finds himself in, when he arrives at the reception desk.

 Omar:                    Hello my name is Omar Mateen. I just murdered 50 people in cold blood in a gay nightclub in Orlando, Florida. I believe I have a reservation?

Receptionist:          Hello Mr. Mateen. We’ve been expecting you. May I say how courageous you were for firing a semi automotive rifle into a crowd of unsuspecting people in a dark room!

Omar:                    Thanks. I just give all the credit to God you know. Can I get my reward now?

Receptionist:          Sure!  Here’s a brand new, electric kettle, and a gift voucher for a free medium pizza at Pizza Hut!

Omar:                      What? I was promised 72 virgins! Dude where’s my 72 virgins?

Receptionist:          Well actually, Mr. Mateen, the 72 virgins are reserved for our premium members. The 911 hijackers, the London bombers, the Paris attackers etc.  Now your kettle comes with a one year warranty,

Omar:                      I don’t want an electric kettle! I just killed 50 people and wounded dozens more!  It’s the largest mass shooting in American History! I want 72 virgins! 

Receptionist:           Actually. That’s not accurate. The worst mass shooting in the US occurred in 1890 in South Dakota, when the US government opened fire on Native Americans, killing 44 women and 18 children.

Omar:                      I have to say it’s a little intellectually dishonest to compare a politically motivated Terrorist act to state violence. I want my 72 virgins!

Receptionist:          That’s the other thing Mr. Mateen. People don’t really think this was an act of Islamic terrorism.

Omar:                      What? I called 911 to pledge my support to ISIS while I was shooting people! Twice!

Receptionist:          Well you didn’t appear very religious. You didn’t seem like a good Muslim.

Omar:                     The 911 hijackers weren’t very religious either. They drank alcohol and went to strip clubs. Look you can’t say “real Muslims are not terrorists” And then tell terrorists “you are not Muslim enough to be a real terrorist”! Why do people think I did this?

Receptionist:          Mostly because you’re crazy.

Omar:                     No If I was crazy I would do something like wage Jihad for an electric kettle and a crappy Pizza! Thanks to my actions I’m am positive that as we speak the Infidels in America are cowering before the demands of ISIS! I want my 72 Virgins!

Receptionist:          Actually they are debating gun control. 

Omar:                      But the guns I used were all legally bought. They can’t take our guns. Owning a gun is my right as an American!

Receptionist:          But you hate America

Omar:                      Well, I mean owning a gun is my right as an American born Jihadist!  

Receptionist:          Do you see why you can’t have the 72 virgins?

Omar:                      But I killed all those perverts! That has to count for something?

Receptionist:          Yeah, that’s actually been widely condemned. Even by people  you wouldn’t expect. Like T&T’s President Anthony Carmona.

Omar:                      But didn’t he just appoint a homophobic preacher to the Senate. 

Receptionist:          Yeah I hate to break this to you but even Anthony Carmona thinks you’re a loser. Honestly what are you going to do with 72 virgins anyway?

Omar:                     What do mean? What are you implying?

Receptionist:          Nothing I’m just saying

Omar:                     I’m not gay! Ok. I don’t know why people think that!

Receptionist:         Maybe because you had a Grinder account and hung out at gay clubs

Omar:                     You Know what I don’t think there are 72 virgins!  I think electric kettles and Pizza Hut vouchers are the only things around here.

Receptionist:          Well we also get special early screenings of the new Transformer movies

Omar:                    My god, what have I done?


NomisTT said...

Very entertaining!

Anonymous said...

Always look forward to your editorials. Original, with a touch of humor and addressing important issues in your unique style. Keep it up Darryn! Gaitree...