Friday, December 16, 2016

T&T’s next top hangman

Do you like working with your hands? Meeting new people? And enjoy the bloodcurdling sound of someone’s neck snapping in half? Then why not consider an exciting career as T&T’s hangman! T&T has not needed a hangman since 1999. But career prospects are looking brighter.  That’s because the current outrage over the tragic murder of Shannon Banfield, as well as our spiraling out of control murder rate, has many people calling for the services of hangmen to be resumed. Thus making the business of killing people, who have killed other people, a killer opportunity.
The best aspect of being a hangman is the job security it offers. There are currently 500 people on death row in T&T. Meaning there are more guaranteed jobs in hanging than there are in the oil industry. Furthermore, according to Amnesty International (AI), there is no evidence to suggest that the death penalty acts as a deterrent to crime. Meaning there is always going to be a steady supply of people who will need your help in getting a noose around their necks.
The worldwide job prospects for hanging aren’t as bright though. Western Europe which is home to the lowest crime rates in the world has long abolished the death penalty. The death penalty is even dying in the USA where a dramatic reduction in death sentences (only 28 last year-the lowest number since 1991) has coincided with historic low levels of crime. Thankfully, T&T stands among those other international beacons of justice - like North Korea, China and Iran-which understand the important role state employed executioners play in society. And who pay no mind to what criminal science, reason or voices crying for mercy have to say.
A career in hanging also comes with great financial benefits. That’s because the death penalty is far more expensive to implement, than simply incarcerating someone for life.  A study from Seattle University found that cases seeking the death penalty cost taxpayers $US 1.15 Million more than non-capital cases. For example, the death penalty costs the US state of California $US137 million per year, whereas it would cost just $US11.5 million without it. This isn’t just great news for hangmen but also for those in downstream industries like lawyers, judges, and rope manufacturers. Crime may not pay, but killing criminals certainly does.
For those who may be thinking, “I can’t be a hangman, I have no formal qualifications”. Or, “I can’t be hangman; my religion says killing people is wrong”. Or, “I can’t be a hangman I’m a criminal”. Have no fear.
Firstly you don’t need formal qualifications to be a good hangman. As long as you have basic cognitive skills, a nonchalant demeanor and the ability to ignore someone screaming for help, you can become a hangman. This means if you’re B-mobile customer service rep, KFC cashier, or police officer, switching your career to hanging people will feel almost seamless.
Secondly the Inter-religious organization (IRO) of T&T has supported the death penalty as being the law of the land. Plus, God approves of us killing criminals. Just like he approves of men marrying underage girls. 
In fact, this week Catholic Priest Father Ian Taylor suggested that the death penalty was compatible with Catholic teachings. In an article for the Trinidad Express Father Taylor cited Jesus’ response to Pilate, “You would have no power over me if it had not been given to you from above”, as proof that Jesus would support the death penalty. It may seem unbelievable to think that Jesus, a man who was unjustly executed at the hands of the state, would support the death penalty, but so is turning water into wine.
Lastly, being a criminal shouldn’t stop you from choosing a career as a hangman. In fact, it may provide the ideal opportunity to turn your life around, and go from a socially scorned contract killer, to a socially acceptable killer with a contract. Supporters of the death penalty usually champion it as the ultimate form of ‘justice’. Or as street gangs in Enterprise call it; ‘revenge’. Thus, becoming a hangman will allow you to perform an import social service while satisfying yours and the public’s insatiable appetite for vengeful violence.
So don’t delay. The exciting career of hangman awaits you. Send in your applications to the Ministry of National Security before Prime Minister Dr. Rowley gives  the job to Stuart Young.

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