Tuesday, December 27, 2016

Trini emails to Santa Claus

As all Trinbagonians know, Christmas is a magical time of the year. A time for giving to the less fortunate, showing goodwill to our fellow man, and listening to sexually suggestive Soca Parang songs.  It’s also the time of the year when boys and girls across the world write to Santa Claus, asking him for the presents they would love to find under their Christmas tree on Christmas morning. Of course no one writes letters anymore, they send emails. Thanks to the power of the internet and some Russian hackers we can read some of the sweet and delightful messages that jolly Saint Nick has gotten from good boys and girls in T&T. Here they are:

Email 1.
Subject: From Whitehall to the North Pole
Dear Santa,
I have been a very good Prime Minister this year. T&T is embroiled in a violent crime epidemic, a worsening recession and growing unemployment. That’s why I wrote my book “From Mason Hall to White Hall”. It really took my mind off things. You would love it Santa. Critics have described it as a must read for anyone living in a frozen barren wasteland. Santa can you please fill mine and all Trinbagonians’ stockings with a lump of coal this Christmas. A lump of coal is probably worth more than a barrel of oil now, and it would really help us out.

Email 2.
Subject:  May the force be with you
Dear Santa,
I have tried to be a good opposition leader this year. I blame everything on the PNM, act like I wasn’t Prime Minister and pretend to care about whatever FATCA is about. Santa this year I would like a Jyn Erso action figure for Christmas. She’s the lead character in the new Star Wars movie ‘Rogue One’. I really admire how she managed to convince a team of “opposition members”, to loyally follow her into battle even though they all knew she was leading them to certain doom. She is so inspiring. Plus I have already mastered the Jedi mind track -“you don’t need another party leader-you’re happy with the one you have”.

Email 3.
Subject: Exciting business opportunity
Dear Santa,
I would like to make you a business proposition this Christmas. Surely you have heard about my fine Presidential Wine. Well I am planning on expanding my operations to offer Presidential Elves. I propose sourcing my elves from you, and then rebranding them each as “Presidential House elf”. It’s called ‘private elving’. As you know the President must host many important engagements throughout the year and I need elves to shoot out of cannons. If I have my own elves it will save the taxpayers millions, by no longer having to rent those in my wife’s family. Name your price Santa, taxpayer money is no object.

Email 4.
Subject:  Criminal Minds  
Dear Santa
We at the Trinidad and Tobago Police Service (TTPS) know you are in possession of surveillance footage that allows you to see everyone who has been naughty or nice. We would like to review these tapes. Also, this Christmas, we at the TTPS wish for you to join our crack team of investigators who assist us in solving crimes. These include: God; an expert in finding killers who kill people at their place of work. The Easter Bunny; a master tracker of kidnap victims. And the Tooth Fairy; our leading forensic expert. Santa the TTPS needs your help and I’m positive with your unique skills we can reassure the nation we will catch criminals; because there is a Santa Claus.   
Yours Truly

Email 5.
Subject: workshop to rule
Dear Santa,
It has come to the attention of the OWTU that your elves have not had a pay increase since 1990. We demand that you either give our comrades a 50 % increase in salary or there will be strike action. The OWTU is also assisting one employee who alleges to have been the victim of vile bullying and harassment due to his red nose. We are taking this matter to the Industrial Court.  Before you scoff at that we warn you; the Industrial Court has the power to summon you for simply scoffing, sneezing or stupseing in their direction.
P.S.  Can I have a 62’’ Sony Plasma TV for Christmas

Merry Christmas!

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