Friday, June 2, 2017

I am offended therefore I am

Are you looking for fun, excitement of just some self validation? Then why not try “getting offended”. Getting offended is the brand new craze sweeping the world. All you need to do is find something and let it offend you. Luckily there are lots of things you can get offended about- a tv advertisement, a movie, whether or not  a character in a superman comic book  is using appropriate transgender pronouns. There is a  University  degree you can take  to enable you to become a professional ‘getting offended person’; it’s called Gender Studies.  But anyone can be  offended . Here are some of the letters I wrote this week expressing my offense and demanding people pay attention to me for some inane  reason:

Dear Massy Stores,
I am writing to join  the hundreds of other Trinbagonians who were disgusted at your recent Indian Arrival Day advertisement . How dare you choose this sacred and holy day to try and sell  curry, puncheon rum and aluminum foil. You are   pandering to  the stereotype that all Indians like wrapping things in aluminum foil. This is simply offensive. Furthermore did you know  my great grandfather Larry Boodan  who made the journey across the Kalipani, was addicted to aluminum foil ? No you don't; because you’re an insensitive soulless corporation! Your offensive advertisement forced  my poor grandmother to relive painful memories of her father coming home and wrapping everything in foil; their food, their clothes and most horrifically, their puncheon. We had to cancel our curry duck river lime planned for the day. I demand a full apology and a hamper of Forres Park.

Dear Trinidad Guardian
I would like to register my disgust at a member of your staff who I find incredibly crass and offensive; the Guardian Angel. Firstly do you think it’s appropriate for her  to come to work  wearing  only what looks like a nighty? Her entire upper body is  exposed leaving nothing to the imagination. Is she really “guarding democracy” as you claim or going on a party boat cruise down the islands? And why is she wielding a sword? This is precisely why I won’t advise anyone to let their  girl children  read newspapers; it encourages  sexual promiscuity and violence.  I know that the Trinidad Guardian recently got rid of the offensive writer Kevin Baldeosingh, who made a career of insulting people, just because they promoted dangerously stupid ideas. I hope you will now also find a more appropriate angel. Hopefully one that is dressed modestly covering her whole  face and body. Instead of wielding a sword, she can be holding a rolling pin; standing barefoot and pregnant while making roti. Which I think would perfectly please the demographic the  Trinidad Guardian is aiming  for these days.

Dear Secretary General of the OAS
 I am writing you on behalf of my Prime Minister, Dr. Keith Rowley. Due to your “derogatory behaviour “, Dr. Rowley demands  you resign immediately. Where do  you get off insulting our  friend and neighbour Nicolas Maduro, calling out his gross human rights abuses and demanding that democracy be preserved. The  Secretary General of the Organisation of American States is just a position for show; you're not to supposed to do anything; just like the Integrity Commission or the Forensic Unit.

Listen pal, in T&T we believe in not minding our neighbours business. Just because they speak another language, are  a little bit different or are orchestrating  a  bloody coup to turn the country into an improvised military dictatorship, doesn't give you a right to insult them.  As Dr. Rowley said, you are just a public servant! And  everyone knows public servants are not supposed to think for themselves or be  good at their jobs. They are supposed to be surly and rude;  telling  you to come back after lunch, when they might be open.  With your insistence to adhering to  high  moral and democratic values,  you Sir are a disgrace to your profession! Dr.  Rowley expects your resignation on his desk by the time President Maduro comes across for another conga line dance.

Dear Kellogg's Rice Krispies
Having purchased your snack recently I noticed something I find incredibly offensive.You are clearly a cereal with a hidden agenda of luring children to the devil. The words  “snap, crackle , pop.” on your box, is a blatant  mockery of “ The father,  the son and the holy spirit” .  I demand you cease and desist and repent immediately. Also give me $1000  to help me recover from the trauma.

You see how easy that was. What are you waiting for. Start getting offended now! 

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