We in Trinidad and Tobago must all acknowledge the fact that a natural disaster can strike at any time. And that when it does, an incompetent public official whose job it is to help us, will either say or do something incredibly stupid. All the while providing little to no help. Here are some useful tips to get you prepared for the next time disaster strikes, and the ensuing desire to brutally murder an incompetent employee of a state agency begins to feel overwhelming.
Ignore the ODPM
It’s important to pay attention to all news bulletins or other warnings. But don’t waste precious time bothering with the Office of Disaster Preparedness and Management (ODPM). That’s because you’re likely to get more useful information about an impending storm from watching a school fight video on Facebook than by reading the ODPM’s website. Plus, as now former Deputy leader of the ODPM Col. Dave Williams demonstrated this week, the ODPM has their own unique way of categorizing flood disasters that you may injure yourself trying to understand. These are ; Category: Small Thing , Category: I didn’t fail, I not resigning and Category: Ok fine I resign.
Stock up on supplies
A general rule of disaster preparedness states you should have enough supplies to last your family for three days. Because that’s how long it will take Prime Minister Dr. Keith Rowley to publicly acknowledge a disaster. Dr. Rowley whose government responded to recent disastrous storms in Grenada and Dominica overnight. And who immediately called A&V Drilling when allegations surfaced it stole millions of dollars from Petrotrin, but who waited until Friday evening to finally address the nation over the floods that started the Wednesday night before. Dr. Rowley stated that it wasn’t “feasible” for him to do so earlier, reminding the nation that flood victims are like a golf course, you have to let them properly dry off or else they are as unsightly as un-groomed women. Plus the government needed time to find out if anyone in Minister Rohan Sinanan’s family owned a mop company.
Watch out for flying excuses
During a natural disaster you and your family may be in desperate need of rescue. According to the incompetent public officials’ manual, this is also the perfect time to lecture to you about how your current predicament is all your fault. So make sure and watch out for flying debris like, “What you expect if you build on a floodplain?” or “Why didn’t you choose your raincloud wisely?” If you live in a UNC constituency, prepare for Facebook comments saying that you deserved it because your worship idols. If you live in a PNM constituency prepare for Facebook comments asking if you wet and ready?
Be wary of flash photography
Make sure and barricade your windows and keep your doors locked. Because apart from flash flooding you may also have to deal with flash photographers. If it’s one thing incompetent public officials love to do is show up at your door days after armed with a hamper and a photographer. Incompetent public officials may not know how to craft proper disaster policy, disseminate information or express basic human empathy for your plight; but they do know how to post pictures of themselves giving you a case of water on Instagram.
Use the Duck and Cover method
Anytime you hear a loud air siren going off, that is the signal that the Prime Minister, a member of Cabinet or some other party stooge/public official is about to hold a press conference. You should immediately duck and seek cover under a desk. This will help shield you from the impact of the sound waves being generated by some idiotic, rambling speech that is of no use or consequence or help to you and your immediate situation. The duck and cover method may not be able to keep you fully safe from a hurricane, an earthquake or a nuclear strike-but it will at least let you die without listening to an incompetent Trinbagonian public official.
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