An interview with Minister Edmund Dillon

Trinidad and Tobago has kicked off 2018 with a bang. 23 bangs to be exact. That’s how many people have been murdered so far in just the second week in January 2018. I arranged to speak with National Security Minister Edmund Dillon at his Port of Spain office to learn more about the Government’s plans to curb the escalating murder rate. Unfortunately, I couldn’t make it on account of realizing I am too scared to leave my house. So here is a completely made up interview instead.

Darryn:                              Thanks for meeting with me Minister. Happy New Year. Unfortunately, it's been a really depressing start to the year hasn’t it?

Minister Dillon:                 Yes, it's been traumatic for me. Honestly I wasn’t sure if I could cope with it all.  But fortunately George Singh got the funding from the Ministry of Finance and Chutney Soca Monarch is back on. So I’m more at ease now.

Darryn:                              I was actually referring to the 23 murders for the year.

Minister Dillon:                Oh. Right. Yes. I strongly condemn those murders. And since its about lunchtime now, I want to go ahead and officially condemn the 5 more murders that have probably happened since this morning.

Darryn:                               Minister, do you feel your ministry has a proper handle   on dealing with crime?

Minister Dillon:                  Darryn, the government has a saying, ‘Handling crime is like handling a woman’. To get results you need to put in patience, effort and understanding. And that’s what we are doing here at the Ministry.

Darryn:                                 But Minister, violent crime has been escalating dramatically over the past three years.

Minister Dillon:                     Well Darryn you know how women are! Nothing you do for them ever good enough. They don’t listen. They will still do whatever the hell they want and blame you for it!

Darryn:                                   Minister, you said after the recent murder of a school boy in Laventille that gangs had “crossed a line”. What did you mean by that?

Minister Dillon:                     I meant that killing a child is the line you don’t cross.

Darryn:                                   But in 2016, two teens from Laventille were dragged out of a taxi and killed by gangs. Why wasn’t that the line?

Minister Dillon:                     Well the official line is 3 dead Laventille school boys. You can’t cross that. With 1, you get a verbal warning. With 2 you get a written warning. But 3. Nah. That’s overdoing it, man.

Darryn:                                   Minister, there was an attempted kidnapping on the Lady Young Road recently that was captured on Facebook. Lost of cars drove by but no one stopped to help. What are your thoughts?

Minister Dillon:                     That’s why we urge people to take precaution. I always walk with two fete tickets, so if I'm being kidnapped I can wave it around to help entice someone to help me.

Darryn:                                   Minister, Dr. Rowley has said that the UNC has “blood on their hands” for failing to pass the Anti Gang Legislation. Do you agree?

Minister Dillon:                     Darryn I don’t think we should politicize crime or try and score cheap points. All I will say is the UNC want little children and pet kittens to die and if they voted for our bill we would have zero gangs. And more pet kittens.

Darryn:                                   Minister, studies suggest Anti Gang bills do little to stop gangs. What specifically in the proposed Anti Gang legislation would enable you to effectively fight gang crime?

Minister Dillon:                    Well, it would give us the power to use our special police cars that can transform into robots. Particularly the use of Sgt. Optimus Prime.

Darryn:                                 You haven’t read the Anti Gang Bill have you, Sir?

Minister Dillon:                    Darryn I real busy ok! As a Minister I don’t have the luxury to spend my day reading things!

Darryn:                                  Minister, numerous studies including one by the Swiss based group, Small Arms Survey, suggest CEPEP and URP programs do the most to facilitate gang activity. Why not stop these programs if you all are serious about stopping gangs?

Minister Dillon:                    Darryn, you know how I said handling crime is like handling a woman? Well sometimes women don’t just want chocolates and flowers. Sometimes they want CEPEP contracts and to be on state boards. And if you want peace or to win an election you better give it to them.

Darryn:                                  Aren’t you afraid of creating a Frankenstein situation? 

Minister Dillon:                     No. Doesn’t Dr. Frankenstein and his monster live happily ever together at the end?

Darryn:                                   When you’re done with the Anti Gang Bill, please read Frankenstein.