Why I should be President

The New Year has greeted me with the depressing realization that I did not accomplish any of the goals I set for myself last year.  I didn’t loose weight. I didn’t learn to speak Spanish. And most annoyingly I didn’t find out Priyanka Chopra’s home address. But I realized I may have set my goals too high to begin with. So this year I have decided to lower my ambitions and aspire to be the next President of Trinidad and Tobago.

President Anthony Carmona’s term in office is set to end on March 19 and an election for a new President must take place no later than February 19. Under the constitution the President is elected by the Electoral College, voting by secret ballot. A fact which I only recently learned. Judging by our current and past Presidents I assumed you just had to text: “I wan be Prez” to B Mobile and wait to see if you won in their random draw. Prime Minister Dr. Rowley has extended an invitation to Opposition Leader Kamala Persad-Bissessar to meet and discuss possible nominations. So I would like to take this opportunity to publically call –or grovel-call it what you will- on both the Prime Minister and Opposition leader to nominate me, Darryn Boodan to be the sixth President of the Republic of Trinidad and Tobago.

I am eminently qualified to be President. Firstly, I hold myself up to high standards of integrity, placing my principles above all else. And as a matter of principle I don’t bad talk my friends. Especially if my salary depends on it. So if I’m President you can rely on me to keep my mouth shut. I know in T&T there is a history of friction between Presidents and Prime Ministers. But you wont get any trouble from me. I know that I have on occasion mocked, ridiculed and made reference to ‘Rowley Yoga-the art of doing nothing’ in these pages. But I didn’t want to. I only did it because I got paid to do it. I’m sure you understand that.

Secondly, I am really bright. And I don’t mean bright as in having high intelligence. I mean T&T bright; as in, I’ll happily regurgitate any simplistic nonsense if it pacifies people. If the crime rate appears of out control, I’ll call for a national day of prayer. If the economy gets worse, Ill call for a national day of prayer. If people complain that national days of prayers are useless and that I’m stupid and don’t do anything, I’ll send them a pre action protocol letter. I wont tolerate anyone disrespecting the proud office of the Presidency with reckless insinuations, jokes or constitutionally protected free speech.

As you know part of my job description as President would be appointing people to the Integrity Commission and Commissions of Enquiry. And I am an excellent judge of people. I would appoint first rate people; the best people you can buy anywhere. I have a friend in my All Fours team name Steve, who would be perfect for the Integrity Commission. He always knows when somebody lying about holding Jack.  I would also be responsible for appointing the Chief Justice. And should the current Chief Justice resign, I know some great people who can take his place. They don’t know the law, but they do know how to tell if they being photographed. And hey if you need to remove any Central Bank Governors, you disagree with I’m your guy.  

But please don’t think I’m only good at being a glorified yes man of the state. I have my own ideas. Wait sorry I didn’t mean that. I don’t have any of my own ideas. That was a mistake. Sorry that wont ever happen again. I mean I do have this one idea of building a giant wall. To help keep those damn visitors from the Emperor Valley ZOO and Botanical Gardens away from me. But we don’t have to do it if you don’t want to.

The best part of me being President is that I am a humble guy who would represent all of Trinidad and Tobago. I don’t want any more  government perks, fancy state accommodation or special allowances. Well apart from all the ones I will get and obviously deserve –because –duh- I’m President. I’m a uniter not a divider. Ill bring all of T&T ‘s races together. Well the races that would at least put in some effort. I not racial eh, but you know how some of them are.

So I urge you. Please nominate Darryn Boodan as your next President- And as the inspiring words of my campaign says : Lets make T&T the same as it always will be.