A Government in Retreat

Ash Wednesday is the time the nation collectively sobers up after the revelry and excess indulged in over the carnival season. Some people will head to church for ashes. Others will get back to work. Many more will discover that you really need to be drunk to fully appreciate Soca or Chutney. For Prime Minister Dr. Keith Rowley, Ash Wednesday was also the best time to hold a government retreat at the Diplomatic Centre. Reporters were not allowed inside the one day retreat, but sources have given the Express exclusive transcripts of the meetings which our legal department have confirmed is in no way real. But here it is anyway:

Dr. Rowley:                          Ok, firstly as head of the National Security Council I want to dispel some rumors and reassure you that everything is fine and that it’s not true that Machel Montano got sick and almost fell off a music truck. That is just fake news!

Fitzgerald Hinds:                Prime Minister, can you give us an update with regards to the alleged terrorist plot to disrupt carnival?

Dr. Rowley:                          Dammit Hinds. You don’t say ‘terrorist plot’. It’s “specific instances being contemplated for actions against Carnival parades”. Making clear statements to the public only gets them riled up. It’s best to keep them calm with senseless and confusing jargon. Watch and learn! Minister Dillon please give us a post Carnival security update.

Minister Dillon:                   Well Sir, over the Carnival period, we have had multiple stabbings, a spate of armed robberies and at least four murders. So I’m pleased to announce Carnival 2018 was relatively safe sir.

Dr. Rowley:                          Relative to what?

Minister Dillon:                   Relative to the Syrian civil war sir.

Dr. Rowley:                          Good. Minister Imbert would you care to address your economic strategy for the rest of the year?

Minister Imbert:                 As you know, we are continuing to struggle with revenue collection so I’ve devised a new plan. Unless someone tells me who shared that pic of me alone in a fete on Facebook with a caption saying “Minister of No Friends”, I am going to cut funding for every Ministry!

Minister Garcia:                  Children today getting corrupted with all this Facebook, and disco and bell bottom pants.

Minster Imbert:                  I know it was you Stuart Young! I have plenty friends you know!

Minister Young:                  Minister Imbert, did you and your “friends” go to Middle Earth’s All Inclusive fete this year?

Dr. Rowley:                          Please stop this! This is why Cro Cro singing against us now you know! It’s not just because I don’t answer his calls.

Minister Gadsby-Dolly:     Well sir, on behalf of the Ministry of Culture, I can say that Carnival 2018 was the best ever!

Dr. Rowley:                          Great news! Based on what exactly?

Minister Gadsby-Dolly:     Well, based on the press release we wrote saying so.

 Dr. Rowley:                         Excellent work Minister. You see people, this is the kind of initiative we should all be displaying!

Minister Cudjoe:                 Prime Minister if I can just ask, when will the new ferry to Tobago be ready? It’s just that the people of Tobago are really excited. And desperate…because everything there is falling apart.

Dr. Rowley:                          Minister Sinanan, any news on the new ferry?

Minister Sinanan:               What that have to do with me?

Dr. Rowley:                          You’re the Minister of Transport.

Minister Sinanan:               Oh yeah. Sorry. I heard Imbert found a boat or something. SS Gally Cummings or something?

Minsiter Imbert:                 Galleons Passage!

Minister Sinanan:               Look, I really busy! I have to see about this highway to Sangre Grande. And all these ridiculous environmentalists harassing me. I swear if I knew building a highway through a protected nature reserve would be so hard I would have never taken this Minister work!

Minister Moses:                  Sir, I gave an interview with Venezuelan TV saying our relationship with President Maduro remains strong.

Dr. Rowley:                          Who are you again?

Minister Moses:                  Dennis Moses sir, Minister of Foreign Affairs  

Minister Young:                  Prime Minister, is saying that we remaining friends with President Maduro a good idea? The International Criminal Court has opened a probe on him over state violence.

Dr. Rowley:                          President Maduro is my friend. I will never abandon my friends in their time of need, just because the rest of the world thinks they are brutal dictators.

Minister Imbert:                 Incidentally, I am inviting everyone here for a little lime by me on Saturday.

                                                

 (Silence fills the auditorium)

Dr. Rowley:                          Oh, I’ll try to make it, but I feeling real sick these days. Did I tell you I fell of a music truck during Carnival?