A crime prayer

Dear God, whether you go by any of the many names Trinbagonians call you; Jesus, Shiva, Allah or Lionel Messi, I am praying to you to help stop the violent crime epidemic plaguing Trinidad and Tobago. I know you are a Trini at heart. Which may explain why you allowed crime to spiral out of control and have done little to fix it, despite our constant pleas. It’s ok, as a fellow Trini I understand. You’re probably on lunch and the lunch hour in heaven must operate according to a different standard of time than it does on Earth. Just like it does in the Passport Office. 

Hang 'em High!

Like most Trinbagonians I believe we need to foster a humane society where the value of human life is respected. And where those who don’t respect it are brutally executed. That’s why I support the enforcement of the death penalty. By resuming capital punishment, T&T will send a strong moral message to the violent gangs and crime lords currently terrorizing our land: cross us and you’ll die. It will also help teach the youths that killing is wrong. The same way I intend to teach my son about the dangers of alcohol; by making him watch me get drunk and then beating him senseless.

Freshly Brewed Paranoia

Last week news broke of the horrific conditions in which dogs were being kept at the San Fernando dog pound. Some dogs were so starved for food that they were eating other dogs. Rightfully, people across T&T were outraged. Because American coffee house chain Starbucks had opened a branch in San Fernando. Foreign imperialists had come to sell us their foreign coffee. At least those dogs at the pound were eating local dogs.

Why I hate the Olympics

There is nothing I hate more in this world than the Olympic Games.  Sure, I know the world is filled with horrifying things, like terrorism, poverty, and Machel Montano’s new movie ‘Bazodee’. But even ‘Bazodee’ has a meaningful purpose; to test the threshold of psychological pain of those willing to sit through it. The Olympic Games on the other hand is nothing more than a bloated overcooked dish, coated in pompous ceremony, stuffed with political corruption and sprinkled with human growth hormone.  Every four years we are forced to swallow it in the name of national pride and sporting spirit. 

Dr. Rowley Under the Microscope

The recent scrutiny surrounding the health of Prime Minister Dr. Keith Rowley has raised some very important national questions. Like, should the public know the full condition of the Prime Minister’s health? How much privacy should he be expected to have? And has anyone heard any juicy gossip of what might be ailing him? Of course the Prime Minister hasn’t suggested he may be seriously ill, saying only that he is having a medical abroad before he embarks on his holiday. This sounds entirely reasonable. A little bit too reasonable. As all Trinbagonians know, sounding reasonable is a sure-fire way to tell that a politician is hiding something.

ISIS Career Guidance

This week we learned that nine Trinbagonians are being deported from Turkey, having been suspected of trying to join ISIS. No doubt these men are in for a difficult time when they return. Their heads will be filled with puzzling questions, like, ‘What will I do now’? and ‘How will I fit in’?  and ‘wait a minute, just how many children does the Prime Minister have’? But it need not be like this. T&T actually offers many career options for failed ISIS fighters. If you’re one of those who are disappointed you can no longer fulfill your dreams of adventure, excitement and religiously inspired madness, here are some great local jobs that will help you reintegrate into Trinbagonian society.

This column is offensive

I believe in free speech. But like most Trinbagonians I know that free speech comes with responsibility; and by that I mean the responsibility of the person speaking freely to me to validate all my opinions and prejudices. That’s why as a writer it’s important for me to understand those issues which I need to be careful of when writing, so as not to offend anyone. After all, as Trinbagonians also know, the whole purpose of a newspaper is to present ideas and opinions that everyone agrees with. In fact, the constitution of T&T guarantees citizens the right not to read anything in newspapers that offends them; be it satirical columns, horoscopes, or even cinema listings that conflict with their schedule.