The Naparima College Physics Test

Physics, like all other branches of science, is normally associated with rational, clear-thinking people who emphasise the need for ideas based on reason and evidence. However, there are those daring to break this stereotype. Take for example the Naparima College physics teacher whose lecture on gays, atheists and the “drug pushers from room 5M,” went viral on social media this week.

 In a truly inspiring class talk, this brave teacher made deep philosophical declarations like: “No man can’t tell me that it have no God”; “Give me a gun and I’ll fix all of the problems of the world”; and, in relation to the idea that people are born gay, “maybe we should go back to the age of the chrysalids, shoot you and put you out of your misery.”

Of course many have sharply condemned the teacher’s remarks, calling them violent, ignorant and homophobic. And also pointing out that there is no “age of the Chrysalids”. The Chrysalids is a book, a work of fiction, that warns of the dangers of religious fundamentalism and is actually set in a dystopian future. All making it sort of obvious she’s never read it.

But I say, we need more teachers like this woman, people who aren’t afraid to tell the truth or ironically reference books that defeat their argument. We also need standardised tests to go with them. Thus, I have drafted a special Naparima College physics test, which, since I’m sure the school won’t be firing this teacher, will suit them perfectly.

See if you’re as smart as a Naparima College physics teacher. Take the test below:

Q) 1: Which of the following is a similarity between atheists and sodomites?

(a) Both travel in a vacuum

(b) Both transfer energy

(c) Both are godless heathens

Q) 2: God-loving Johnny sees two atheists across the street. Johnny knows shooting people he disagrees with solves all the world’s problems. What equation calculates the average speed of the bullets Johnny shoots the atheists with?

(a) Average speed = Distance travelled/time of travel

(b) Average speed = Time of travel/average velocity

(c) Average speed = Mental instability/insane self-righteousness

Q) 3: Which famous scientist formulated the theory of general relativity?

(a) Albert Einstein

(b) Isaac Newton

(c) It have no man that God make that could tell me about general relativity

Q) 4: Two homosexuals, Richard and Dave, are about to get married. How would you calculate the power of the hell-fire God needs to roast them for eternity?

(a) Power = Work x time

(b) Power = mass x time

(c) Power = Brimstone x God’s wrath x God’s vengeance

Q) 5: Kevin tells Winston that the American Institute of Physics says that there is evidence supporting the Big Bang theory on the origin of the universe. Winston should:

(a) Call Kevin a homosexual

(b) Tell Kevin to pack his so-and-so bags and go live in America

(c) Tell Kevin he is going to rearrange his blasted face

(d) All of the above

Q) 6: Newton’s first law of motion states that an object in the road in uniform is probably a drug pusher from room 5M who you should insult with vitriol and a condescending air of superiority

(a) True

(b) False

Q) 7: Non-luminous bodies become visible when they _______ light into our eyes

(a) Reflect

(b) Refract

(c) Wear skimpy clothing to school. Unlike dignified female physics teachers who know how to dress but get no credit for it.

Q) 8: Mrs Mental is giving a physics lecture on the importance of violently abusing and bullying pupils who disagree with her religious beliefs. Why can’t the sound waves reach school administrators, ministry officials or the TTUTA president?

(a) Because prestige schools have sound-proof walls

(b) Because sound cannot travel in a vacuum and hence ministry officials can’t hear it

(c) Because there is no need to listen to what you already agree with

(d) All of the above.

Answers: 1-c, 2-c, 3-c, 4-c, 5-d, 6-a, 7-c, 8-d

If you have scored 1 and above, congratulations! You are as bright as a Naparima College physics teacher!