The most hated group in T&T

Trinidad and Tobago loves to boast about being a tolerant multicultural society. But there is one group of Trinbagonians who face discrimination and prejudice everyday. One group who are constantly vilified and told to their faces that they are not welcome.  I’m talking of course about; sane people. Its not clear how many sane Trinidadians there are. According to the 2010 census they were up to 10, maybe even 12, sane people on the island. Its difficult to get an accurate number because sane people know nobody actually uses data here, hence them bothering to answer census questions is a waste of time.

Mouttet’s Ferry Tale

Last week Friday, Christian Mouttet submitted his report into the controversy surrounding the award of contracts to Canadian firm Bridgeman Services, to maintain the sea bridge between Trinidad and Tobago. The Prime Minister promised to review it over the weekend; just as soon as he was done binge watching ‘Defenders’ on Netflix. The report has yet to be made public, but the Trinidad Express has received an exclusive copy. It is reprinted in its entirety below.

Darryn’s Invisible Oil

Is crude oil always messing up your clothes, your floor and the inside of your oil refinery? Then why not try Darryn’s Invisible Oil! Darryn’s Invisible Oil enables you to enjoy all the benefits of crude oil without all the ‘crude’ and ‘oil’. That’s because Darryn’s Invisible Oil is produced via a special drilling process called “Rowley-Khaning”, which involves using the energy of Dr. Keith Rowley going on vacation to drill into the imagination of Minister Franklyn Khan;  unleashing endless barrels of rich crude nothingness.

Tips to solve my murder

The only thing more depressing than the recent brutal murders of Claire Broadbridge and Ramdevi Singh, is listening to the T&T Police Service promise to catch their killers. That’s because our Police Service knows as much about catching criminals as Shiva Chaitoo knows about playing the violin. That’s why I’ve decided to be forward thinking and devise a list of helpful tips and reminders for the Police Service to follow if ever I am brutally murdered. I got the inspiration from my girlfriend who likes to leave me notes by the kitchen sink reminding me to wash my coffee mug. Incidentally, if I am ever found beaten to death by a dirty coffee mug, please inform the police that my girlfriend constantly left me notes threatening to do just that.

So you want to be a Minister?

The Ministry of Public Utilities has once again been thrown into chaos, as the appointment of Robert Le Hunte has been revoked after just two days. Trinbagonian born Le Hunte, who holds a Ghanaian passport didn’t know that only citizens of Trinidad and Tobago, can serve in Parliament. In his defence, he said he was sick at home the day they taught that in Standard Five Social Studies class. The Prime Minister has said he will reappoint Mr. Le Hunte once he figures out which country he belongs too. Until then Dr. Rowley has started interviewing back up candidates, of which the Express has received exclusive transcripts off. Here they are:

How to curry an Ibis

 The Ministry of Community Development, Culture and the Arts have declared August ‘National Patriotism Month’. And what better way to celebrate than to head to the river for a cookout lime with friends and family. Engaging in those two great Trinbagonian pastimes; heart disease and the senseless destruction of nature. But why not make your river lime extra special this year. Instead of the usual menu of curry duck seasoned in White Oak, try some curry Scarlet Ibis. There is no better way to demonstrate your love for your country than by eating its protected national bird.  Plus, the Scarlet Ibis is 100% organic and gluten free. 

The T&T Titanic

From the producers of such hits as ‘When Burkie met Marlene’, ‘Stop or Farris’kids will shoot’ and ‘Shamfa Cudjoe: Million-dollar phone bill baby” comes this summer’s biggest blockbuster ‘The T&T Titanic’. Witness the story of young Rohan Sinanan, a bohemian drifter and Minister of Transport who sails to Tobago on the T&T Titanic; all the way from Trinidad. Along the way Rohan meets privileged young socialite and Port Authority Chairwoman Alison Lewis. Watch as two people, both travelling in first class, fall hopelessly in love with mysterious Canadian firm Bridgeman Services: