#Dont Blame Me Too

Every Trinbagonian man  versed in the art of romance knows that to win the love and affection of a beautiful and enchanting woman, you need to look her right in the eye and say, “Aye gyal, you is a table or what? Because I want to ress something on yuh real bad." This is preceded with smiling lecherously while she contemplates how brilliant you are. Of course women these days are different. They don’t cook, or clean or appreciate the effort men make to point out in public what disgusting things we want to do to them.

Fast Food Fallacies

They say only two things in life are guaranteed; death and taxes. But if you live in Trinidad and Tobago, it's three things; death, taxes and the stupidity of bright, well-intentioned people. Take for example the recent call by First Lady Rema Carmona for higher taxes to be imposed on “unhealthy food imports”.  Her rationale for this is simple; higher taxes will deter people from purchasing junk food and push them towards healthier options. Thus, “saving people from themselves” as she put it. This is a great example of how public policy is crafted in T&T. Not by using evidence and reason. But by snobbishly assuming you know what’s best for other people.  

A Fake Interview With Colm Imbert

This week was Budget Week. And with expressions like ‘fake oil’ and ‘fake economy’ and ‘fake sex tape’ being tossed around, I felt what better way to analyze the budget than having a fake conversation with Finance Minister Colm Imbert. Here it is:

The most hated group in T&T

Trinidad and Tobago loves to boast about being a tolerant multicultural society. But there is one group of Trinbagonians who face discrimination and prejudice everyday. One group who are constantly vilified and told to their faces that they are not welcome.  I’m talking of course about; sane people. Its not clear how many sane Trinidadians there are. According to the 2010 census they were up to 10, maybe even 12, sane people on the island. Its difficult to get an accurate number because sane people know nobody actually uses data here, hence them bothering to answer census questions is a waste of time.

Mouttet’s Ferry Tale

Last week Friday, Christian Mouttet submitted his report into the controversy surrounding the award of contracts to Canadian firm Bridgeman Services, to maintain the sea bridge between Trinidad and Tobago. The Prime Minister promised to review it over the weekend; just as soon as he was done binge watching ‘Defenders’ on Netflix. The report has yet to be made public, but the Trinidad Express has received an exclusive copy. It is reprinted in its entirety below.

Darryn’s Invisible Oil

Is crude oil always messing up your clothes, your floor and the inside of your oil refinery? Then why not try Darryn’s Invisible Oil! Darryn’s Invisible Oil enables you to enjoy all the benefits of crude oil without all the ‘crude’ and ‘oil’. That’s because Darryn’s Invisible Oil is produced via a special drilling process called “Rowley-Khaning”, which involves using the energy of Dr. Keith Rowley going on vacation to drill into the imagination of Minister Franklyn Khan;  unleashing endless barrels of rich crude nothingness.

Tips to solve my murder

The only thing more depressing than the recent brutal murders of Claire Broadbridge and Ramdevi Singh, is listening to the T&T Police Service promise to catch their killers. That’s because our Police Service knows as much about catching criminals as Shiva Chaitoo knows about playing the violin. That’s why I’ve decided to be forward thinking and devise a list of helpful tips and reminders for the Police Service to follow if ever I am brutally murdered. I got the inspiration from my girlfriend who likes to leave me notes by the kitchen sink reminding me to wash my coffee mug. Incidentally, if I am ever found beaten to death by a dirty coffee mug, please inform the police that my girlfriend constantly left me notes threatening to do just that.