Dr. Rowley‘s Show Trial

Dr. Rowley’s cozy friendship with our Venezuelan neighbor and resident tyrant Nicolas Maduro is clearly rubbing off on him.  He’s adopted Maduro’s fondness for Conga line dancing, making rambling speeches and threatening political rivals with violence. It now appears that Dr. Rowley has also developed a taste for that favorite dish of the Maduro regime; public displays of ridiculous political propaganda. That’s because on Wednesday Dr. Rowley’s government held what it described as a “public education exercise” on the economics of the energy industry at the Hyatt Regency Hotel. Except the public wasn’t invited, and people educated in economics and the energy industry weren’t allowed to speak.

A conversation with Minister McDonald

Last week Dr. Rowley shocked the nation when he reappointed Marlene McDonald to the Cabinet, making her new Minister of Public Administration and Minister in the Ministry of Communication. In keeping with his Governments firm commitment of ignoring inconvenient questions in the hope that they will go away, neither Dr. Rowley nor his new Communications Minister spoke to the media. So I decided to make up a completely fake interview with Minister McDonald instead. Here it is:

Shamfa Cudjoe’s guide to self sufficiency

Dear Citizens of Trinidad and Tobago, regular columnist Darryn Boodan is off today, he’s gone to do a photoshoot for a stranger he met on Facebook. I am Tobago West MP and Minister of Tourism Shamfa Cudjoe. As you may be aware there are slight delays affecting travel between Trinidad and Tobago on account of bad weather and not having a ferry service. 

A Housing Community for Minister Biswas

Chapter 1. Eat ah food

Two years before the general election of 2020, Randal. M. Biswas, Minister of housing and urban development let out a big stupes. Not the kind of stupes that one makes when a poor woman tells you she’s living  in the hospital and needs a house. But rather the kind when ungrateful members of the public get vex because the government decided to build a 500 unit apartment tower block on agricultural land in St Joseph.

A Government in Retreat

Ash Wednesday is the time the nation collectively sobers up after the revelry and excess indulged in over the carnival season. Some people will head to church for ashes. Others will get back to work. Many more will discover that you really need to be drunk to fully appreciate Soca or Chutney. For Prime Minister Dr. Keith Rowley, Ash Wednesday was also the best time to hold a government retreat at the Diplomatic Centre. Reporters were not allowed inside the one day retreat, but sources have given the Express exclusive transcripts of the meetings which our legal department have confirmed is in no way real. But here it is anyway:

His name was Oscar Perez

“Venezuela, they don’t want us to turn ourselves in. They literally want to kill us, they just told us (so)…stay strong,” said Oscar Perez in one of the seven videos he posted to Instagram on January 15. Mr. Perez and his rebel group, who had been hiding out in a small house in the Caracas neighborhood of El Junqito were surrounded by police. After exchanging gunfire for nine hours, two policemen were killed; five rebels were captured while seven others lay dead; including Oscar Perez.  The next day, Venezuelan Interior Minister Nestor Reverol proclaimed that a “terrorist cell” had been “dismantled”. The millions who saw the whole episode play out live on social media however, felt they witnessed something else; an extrajudicial mass killing.

Dr. Rowley responds to Ralph Maraj

Dear citizens of Trinidad and Tobago, regular columnist Darryn Boodan is off today, as he has an important business meeting with a money lender from Enterprise Village, who gives Carnival Loans. As a result the Trinidad Express has allowed me; your Prime Minister, to use this space to respond to a column by Ralph Maraj, entitled ‘Resign Rowley’. Now admittedly I don’t read the Express. It’s filled with too much depressing stories about crime and the failing economy. I get all my news from Minister Stuart Young, who told me that the public loves me so much my last address to the nation is going to win road march this year. That’s why I was shocked when I heard Ralph Maraj had accused me of being disconnected from reality and demanded I resign.

Carnival 2018: Behave nah chirren

They say that empty vessels make the most noise. And there is no vessel emptier than Trinidad and Tobago’s Carnival. This is why fete promoters Red Ants are warning the Environmental Management Authority (EMA) that attempts to curb   noise levels of fetes during the Carnival season could spell the end of Carnival itself. After the EMA took issue with the decibel levels of Red Ants’s fete this week the promoters issued a statement saying “The strict application of decibel levels can effectively kill Trinidad and Tobago Carnival and the culture.” After all the greatest show on earth doesn’t have much to offer spectators these days, its only saving grace is that it can at least still rupture your eardrums.

An interview with Minister Edmund Dillon

Trinidad and Tobago has kicked off 2018 with a bang. 23 bangs to be exact. That’s how many people have been murdered so far in just the second week in January 2018. I arranged to speak with National Security Minister Edmund Dillon at his Port of Spain office to learn more about the Government’s plans to curb the escalating murder rate. Unfortunately, I couldn’t make it on account of realizing I am too scared to leave my house. So here is a completely made up interview instead.

Why I should be President

The New Year has greeted me with the depressing realization that I did not accomplish any of the goals I set for myself last year.  I didn’t loose weight. I didn’t learn to speak Spanish. And most annoyingly I didn’t find out Priyanka Chopra’s home address. But I realized I may have set my goals too high to begin with. So this year I have decided to lower my ambitions and aspire to be the next President of Trinidad and Tobago.

Jail Massive Gosein

As a longtime aficionado of the majestic art-form that is Chutney music, I am deeply offended by Massive Gosein’s latest release ‘Rowlee Mudda Count’ and call on the police to arrest him. This crass and offensive song contains none of the sophisticated concepts that chutney music is famous for. Such as, drinking rum, getting horn, and making at least one reference about somebody’s nanny. Instead ‘Rowlee Mudda Count’ is a shameless attempt to humiliate Prime Minister Dr. Keith Rowley. A fact which is bizarre, as its perfectly clear Dr. Rowley appears fully capable of doing that all by himself.

Give a S*&T Kicker this Christmas

This Christmas give a gift that will last a lifetime. Or at least until the next general election. A S*&t Kicker! S*&t Kickers are the great new multipurpose boots that’s specially designed for every occasion. Whether you’re vacationing-yet again.  Or dancing with brutal Venezuelan dictators. Or just casually threatening your political opponents with violence on TV. S*&t Kicker boots will let you do it all with style, comfort, and a complete lack of shame.  Listen to what these satisfied customers are saying about their S*&t Kickers:

Darryn’s Christmas Classics

Boodan records proudlypresents, Darryn’s Christmas Classics -a collection of your favorite Christmas songs. Each guaranteed to filleveryone’s Christmas with magic and cheer.Except for the scrooges in the Express legal department. Who sent me a letter saying they are ‘fed up’ with me. Anyway this Christmas sit back with your pastelles and a glass of sorrel and listen to timeless hits such as;

The Prison Guard’s Occurrence book

This week Trinbagonians were shocked by the news of a woman making a daring escape for freedom; yes PNM Senator Allyson Baksh resigned. Less shocking was the news that fraudster Vicky Boodram had escaped the women’s prison in Golden Grove. After all, no one expects the nation’s top security personnel to be a match against the wits of a bogus travel agent.

Stuart Young’s Make-up Tips

Dear Trinidad and Tobago, regular columnist Darryn Boodan has the week off on account of being too scared to drive into Port-of-Spain. I am Minister Stuart Young. All my friends just call me Stewie, after the evil genius toddler from the TV show family guy. But have no fear, unlike that Stewie, I’m not a genius.

Being a Minister in the Ministry of the Attorney General and Legal Affairs and a Minister in the Office of the Prime Minister comes with a lot of responsibilities. Such as crafting legal legislation, communicating government policy, and most importantly spying on the Attorney General for the Prime Minister. But you may not know that I am also a fully licensed make-up artist. As you know, Trinbagonian politics is all about skin tone, which is why knowing how to apply make-up is essential. I’d like to share my top five tips for tricking people into thinking that your government is prettier than it is:

An interview with Ambassador Antoine

This week controversy brewed as employees in the Ministry of Foreign Affairs expressed outrage at the appointment of young and little known Makeda Antoine as T&T’s new ambassador to the United Nations. I wanted to interview Ms. Antoine to find out more about her. But I also wanted to see Thor; Ragnarok. So I skipped the interview and just did that. But here is a completely made up interview instead:

100 years of "That’s not real socialism"

This week saw  the anniversary of one of the greatest  events in world history;  20 years since  world wrestling champion Bret Hart successfully defended his title against Shawn Michaels at WWF’s Survivor Series.  Incidentally, this week also marked the 100th anniversary of the October Revolution in Russia. A hundred years ago, Vladimir IIyich Lenin and his band of Bolsheviks overthrew the Russian Republic, creating  a  glorious socialist workers paradise that would  be the tyrannical hell hole known as the  USSR. Which means it’s also 100 years since hippies, UWI intellectuals and trade union leaders started using the world's most popular excuse  for the failure of socialism; "That's not real socialism".

Pretty Vacant

Trinbagonians are a simple people. We can live for months without frivolous things like a Commissioner of Police, forensic pathologists or disaster preparedness plans. But we are also a proud people. That’s why it’s a national disgrace that we have gone a full day without knowing who our Miss Universe Pageant contestant is.  28 year old Yvonne Clark was initially awarded the honor but has suddenly been stripped of her title, with local franchise holder Jenny Douglas accusing her of violating her contract. A replacement has yet to be named. It’s not clear what aspect of her contract Ms. Clark supposedly violated, but as the old saying goes; beauty pageant contract violations lie in the eyes of the franchise holder.  

How to prepare for an incompetent public official

We in Trinidad and Tobago must all acknowledge the fact that a natural disaster can strike at any time. And that when it does, an incompetent public official whose job it is to help us, will either say or do something incredibly stupid. All the while providing little to no help.  Here are some useful tips to get you prepared for the next time disaster strikes, and the ensuing desire to brutally murder an incompetent employee of a state agency begins to feel overwhelming.  

#Dont Blame Me Too

Every Trinbagonian man  versed in the art of romance knows that to win the love and affection of a beautiful and enchanting woman, you need to look her right in the eye and say, “Aye gyal, you is a table or what? Because I want to ress something on yuh real bad." This is preceded with smiling lecherously while she contemplates how brilliant you are. Of course women these days are different. They don’t cook, or clean or appreciate the effort men make to point out in public what disgusting things we want to do to them.